Belenen (belenen) wrote,

executive function?!?!? organizing, tidying, cleaning

icon: "progressing (a deeply, vividly green forest of thick vines and trees, with a tunnel running through where unused train tracks lay)"

In the past two weeks I have:

  1. completely tidied my room from disaster into incredibly pleasant place that I actually enjoy being in.
  2. vaccumed my room thoroughly, including baseboards, which hadn't been done in at least a year because I hadn't had a vaccuum and didn't want to borrow one again.
  3. put together a giant and crappy-materials bookshelf (horrible project especially with only a mini screwdriver) which is now home for all my sci-fi/fantasy.
  4. sorted and organized most of my books and made culls to be given away.
  5. took a bunch of books from upstairs where they had been waiting in piles and put them downstairs in the right places.
  6. sorted through and put away three bags of random stuff which had been sitting in my closet for at least a year.
  7. scrubbed the toilet again even though I did it 2 weeks ago.
  8. tidied and swept the bathroom floor, and hand-scrubbed parts of it.
  9. tidied and scrubbed the bathroom counter, including getting rid of the box that I saw a roach go into 2 years ago and have been terrified of since, irrationally worried that it was a giant writhing nest of roaches and if I touched the box it would crumble and they would all stream out. When I finally picked it up it was light and didn't rattle and I managed to get it into a trash bag without incident.
  10. re-organized my bedroom bookshelf to include only do-not-lend, absolute-favorite books.
  11. turned the bedroom bookshelf so that it is next to my desk forming a new platform for my monitor, which allows me to have it at exactly eye-level when I work from home.
  12. re-organized all the computer wires so that I can easily move things around yet keep the wires tidy.
  13. cut out fabric to cover the back and top of the new desk-bookshelf and attached the fabric with thumbtacks in a faux-upholstery kind of way.
  14. hung up artwork which had been stacked on the floor for years and nailed together a frame which had come apart so much that I couldn't hang it.
  15. rearranged other art on my wall to fit together in a good flow.
  16. finally re-hung the curtain that divides the living room and the kitchen (it had been half-fallen-down and sloppily put back up over a year ago) and added another strip of fabric to keep the warmth in for the winter
  17. brought home a car load of stuff I had been keeping at Topaz' and PUT IT AWAY.
  18. brought down the bags of craft stuff that had slowly accumulated upstairs as I did individual projects.
  19. organized all my craft stuff and put it all away in labeled containers and bins! only one small bag is currently filled with random stuff. This was easily 12 hours of work!
  20. sorted the recycling into separate bags so that it can be more easily carried and sorted at the final location.
  21. bought new shoes to replace my solitary and worn-out pair -- and they were on sale for half-price so I got two and now hopefully they won't get stinky as fast since I can swap back and forth. This is an accomplishment because I find it hard to buy things when I can do without them.

I feel validated in my self-understanding by the amount I have been able to do recently. I am naturally a tidy person, but it has rarely been reflected in my surroundings over the past few years because I was so depressed and anxious I could hardly manage to do the most basic things.

In 2013 I had a depressive crash that I treated for 8 months with citalopram (quit using it when it became harmful rather than helpful). During that same time period I realized I needed treatment for ADHD but was prescribed inadequate meds for a year and a half, while I struggled with literally everything. Finally at the end of 2014 I was prescribed the correct medication, and 2015 was a pretty good year of having a job while being in interesting and growthful classes and having my meds, though I did not make enough money.

But in 2016 I was no longer able to work at my student worker job, and I could not find employment for more than 7 months despite trying my absolute hardest. I had no money and ran out of meds and was completely demoralized by the fact that I got zero call-backs for the first five months, plus there was god-awful stuff happening in Topaz' life that was breaking my heart. It completely erased all the progress I had made in 2015 and put me back into barely-surviving mode.

Then I started the job I have now, which was delightful but also a huge new burden of social interaction for 40 hours a week, as well as the work itself which I enjoy but is extremely mentally taxing. 2017 has been full of loss, as two people who were more my grandparents than my bio-grandparents died, someone I was in love with flaked out of my life, I lost the closest of my local friends to their shitty and/or unethical choices, and I experienced a painful separation from one of my spirit-kin. And much more shit has happened in Topaz' life which affects me a lot, both indirectly through their feelings and because I have reactions to the stuff itself.

I think it makes sense that with the constant drain, my progress has been slow. But I feel hopeful that maybe I can continue improving and get to the point where I can spend my free time on stuff I actually want to do, not just on recovering from daily stresses.
Tags: add-pi, anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, healing, home, turning points

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