May 2018
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such freedom in no longer needing to be needed


icon: "wild (me with vivid violet hair standing in a forest, viewed from above with my head tipped back and a wide, wild grin.)"

A friend of mine was describing their feelings about being a support and it reminded me of this post: fear of love being taken away if I'm not comforting & helpful / my worth / who I am vs what I do and I realized that finally, FINALLY, after years and years of struggling with this compulsion, I have it under control. It's still there, to some extent, but I can tell it no.

And really Topaz gets all the credit for that, because they went in with me on a hiatus of our relationship and then still loved me after I hadn't given to them for a month and a half, and that taught me that I can be loved without being needed. And in the time since, when I have said that I need time for myself or said no to a request for help, they have been supportive -- not perfectly but so often that it averages out to them having a positive response when I say no to something they want me to do. And if I can value my needs without fearing losing my closest person, then I can observe my other connections in that light and know that they should support me in valuing my needs as I support them in valuing their needs.

This gives me a freedom beyond what I can describe. Being needed is a kind of burden that I always thought was the sacrifice one must make to be close to another person. To be able to be at the most profound level of closeness I have ever experienced, without either of us expecting the other to meet most of our needs in general, or any one of our needs in particular -- even our greatest needs? I wouldn't have even imagined it possible. I'm so grateful.

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Comments
Cancer
cactus_rs ══╣Cancer╠══
That link resonated with me before and it still does now. I've been chewing a lot over friendship recently and I keep coming back to this point: what am I to someone if I'm not needed?

I wonder how much of it is tied to growing up in a hypercapitalist society, that things and people should have uses and values—even social justice movements within that paradigm are often centered on "even groups you think can't do anything can do lots of things (and therefore have value)!", it feels like.

It's a question (for me) of how do I value myself outside that model. And maybe a belief that deep down there is nothing of value to me aside from the service I can provide to others: that I'm not actually pleasant to be around, that I'm not actually stimulating to talk to, that on my own I have nothing to offer and that I'm not worth caring about.

I'm glad you seem to have hacked this. It sounds like you feel much freer and lighter for it.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.