October 2018
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I think we all need the experience of being fully loved


icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"

Disclaimer: the ideas in this post are just my own philosophical musings, not facts.

For most of my life I felt constantly hungry for love. Even while someone was being loving to me I would feel desperate for more. It wasn't until I was 27 that I even had one moment where I was receiving love and felt satisfied and like I didn't need more -- would enjoy it, but didn't need it. And it wasn't until I was 33 that I ever had that sensation on a regular basis.

I have this theory that until a person reaches a saturation point with loving nourishment, they can never feel relaxed or secure in any of their relationships. This one experience is so pivotal that it is like a stage of development, and a human's life perspective is profoundly changed once they have this experience. Parents are supposed to give this experience to their kids so that their kids can then enter adulthood ready to meet others as equals. Instead most parents don't, and most people enter adulthood still desperate for love, wanting to get without having to give, feeling like there is never enough. Like starved children we snatch at any nourishment offered and many times spill it everywhere.

People who felt fully loved as children often can't relate to feeling insecure or needy without logical cause. These people are put off by the expression of those feelings, thinking of them as irrational or silly, but I think feeling "full" of love is a real human need as powerful as the need for food or air. For me at least, having food in my hand is not comforting when it is not going to fill me and I doubt any more will ever come. We scarf it down as quick as we can so we have our hands free to grab the next scrap. Or we "save" it for when we will need it more, which is a day that almost never comes.

There are so many harms that can spring from this. Perhaps the biggest is that people who have never experienced saturation (I will call them hungry, for lack of a better word) are willing to accept all manner of ill treatment along with love because they are starving. It is ridiculous to expect people who have never had enough food to ever eat slowly or turn down crappy food.

In the same way, it makes no sense to expect people who have never felt fully loved to ever be satisfied with an easy amount of love, and it makes no sense to expect them to be able to say no to people who offer love as an appetizer to abuse. So many hungry people raised by abusive or selfish parents have absolutely no way to tell what is real love and what is bribery.

Many times we choke out our opportunities for real love because we get so desperate and cling so hard. We can delude ourselves, magnifying small kindnesses and minimizing all negatives to try and trick ourselves into feeling nourished; this prevents either person in the relationship from learning and growing. We can lose ourselves, becoming so desperate for the other person to keep loving us and not leave us that we compromise more and more of who we are until we are just a reflection of the other.

The worst part is that often, someone has to have experienced saturation themselves to be able to give it to someone else. A hungry person can't purely focus on nourishing someone else because as you feed them a part of you watches jealously, wishing you were the one getting that care.

I recognize it so easily now and it always makes me ache and feel an urge to throw out my whole life and dedicate it to making this person feel loved. But I can't do that, and it wouldn't be a good way to spend my life, pouring myself out endlessly for people who literally can't give back. That's not remotely sustainable.

Other than meeting one of those lucky ones who got saturated with love in childhood, I think we can only hope to find someone who wants to get love in the way we are inclined to give it, and wants to give love in the way we want to get it. I think other than basic ethics, this is the number 1 most important thing in a relationship.

I'd advise my former self to ask, first and foremost, as a precursor to close friendship and/or romance, "think of the three closest people in your life. What do you think they get out of their relationship with you? how do you bring them nourishment and joy most often? most easily? most happily? and on the other hand, what actions of others make you feel nourished and contented?" and then I'd consider whether I could feel nourished by the same things, and if I could nourish them in the way that works best for them.

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Comments
hana_broom ══╣╠══
interesting post :) I agree with a lot of what you've written.
belenen ══╣╠══
glad you found it interesting! thanks for reading!
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writing2exist ══╣pic#128364494╠══

This spoke to me on such a deep level that I actually a little.

console
belenen ══╣console╠══
*hearts* I'm glad it resonated with you, though sorry if it also made you sad.
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writing2exist ══╣pic#128364494╠══

*cried

thesewaters ══╣╠══
This is certainly food for thought, I think I can get behind the theory and the sentiment. It also seems like a very gentle way to experience people who are perhaps love deficient, not to excuse abusive behavior, but insight into why people do what they do sometimes.
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
hm, I hadn't considered that but I agree!
irasola ══╣╠══
The worst part is that often, someone has to have experienced saturation themselves to be able to give it to someone else.

I'm lucky that this wasn't the case for me. When I had Z, I still had no concept of being truly loved. It had been abusive childhood into abusive marriage. It's I think, subconsciously, why I was so worried about being a parent, why I was convinced I'd be such a lousy one and wouldn't be able to bond with my child. When you've only been shown shallow excuses for love, even if you think that's all you can hope for, you worry you can't know how to offer real love, either. Because it's easy to believe YOU deserve no better, but that others, especially your children, do.

It makes me wonder if I offered real love to those who offered me abusive excuses for love in return. Was I practiced in giving and not receiving? Or had I never even given it before Z? It's weird to think about.
beautiful
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
I think children are easy to love when you approach them in a nonjudgemental and open way, and you have always been good at letting people be who they really are, so all of that makes a lot of sense to me!
esvoljtab ══╣╠══
This has given me a lot of food for thought!
belenen ══╣╠══
I'm very glad to give you food for thought! I know i haven't been commenting but I have been really loving your posts lately, btw
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maju01 ══╣pic#125542182╠══
Sort of related to what you've written here, I once read something for parents about filling up their kids' emotional tanks and how this can be difficult when they're prickly teens. The writer recommended using lots of casual touch (for example a light touch on the shoulder as you're passing) if you have teenagers who don't accept open displays of love/affection.
moon love
moonlit_ink ══╣moon love╠══
I wrote about similar musings a few weeks ago about love. Mainly, I was considering the question of whether it is more important to love or to be loved. So, most of what you wrote here deeply resonates with me, and my past experiences, of being the one giving more of myself in being loving to another who couldn't receive that love, and wasn't capable of giving it in return. You are correct in how that is not sustainable, and in my experience, hurts the giver of such love, deeply.

I am someone who has hoped, and still does hope, to someday be involved with someone who can cause me to feel, what you call, 'fully loved". I know friends and family in my life, have told me how I make them feel completely loved and accepted, which gives me a great sense of happiness. Yet, it also makes me sad since I really don't know what that feels like, for myself. Maybe someday that will change.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I really enjoyed reading them and thinking about this again.
shermarama ══╣╠══
I've had this tab sitting open for ages because this makes a whole lot of sense to me... and yet it still makes me sad because I've been loved, I get what you mean, but I don't have that sort of love right now, and I find the memory of having been being full isn't helping me not grab at anything on the present table. I mean, yes, with the aim of trying to find out what's nourishing, but I can't tell by looking from the outside, and it's leading to a lot of snacking. Hmm.
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
This is indeed an interesting post. But I think it doesn't fully capture the reality, because I was very well loved by my parents when I was little, and it didn't prevent me from accepting some major ill-treatment in the hope of love. I mean, it was certainly better than *not* having been very well loved by my my parents . . . it did make me stronger in some ways. But it also made me ignorant of the dangers and ill-prepared to know what I should be afraid of. And since parental love doesn't provide exactly the same experience as love from a romantic partner, it doesn't satisfy exactly the same hunger, and I was still able to feel starved for the one even when I'd had my fill of the other.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.