October 2018
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being ungendered in a body read as femme with a femme clothing aesthetic


icon: "revolutionary (a gif series of four nude self-portraits of/by me: one from the back with me looking over my shoulder, one from the front with my arms up and arched, one with an upraised, arched arm and the other arm across my belly in a dance pose, and one from the side with both hands raised in a shrug gesture)"


[recent gender ramblings that I posted on fb]
I feel like everyone who exists thinks of their own gender identity and sex identity as more real and valid than mine. I fight with myself to ever say anything about my experience related to someone else's because I imagine they are offended to be compared to my "pretend" self.

No one in particular has made me feel like I'm not valid, it's just this pervasive thing. I've been reflecting and I think it's because I don't know anyone else with my experience.

Afab + gender-free/ungendered + non-binary sexed + aggressively femmed aesthetic is a very particular experience and from the outside I think most people just read me as a cis woman. While that confers privilege, it also means that my selfhood often drowns in invisibility.

When I can't even witness myself it becomes really hard to feel like I am real.

My genitals really have nothing to do with my (un)gender except that people assume they understand what my genitals are from my clothes. To have people constantly guessing and always wrong is upsetting but there aren't clothes that would induce a correct assumption anyway.


I used to be anti-femme in clothing aesthetic because all the assumptions of weak, pliable, sweet, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive etc that get put on most people who dress femme made me so upset that I avoided the fuck out of looking like that. I wanted my clothes to communicate that I was powerful, forceful, strong, resistant, a leader, not someone you wanna fuck with, etc.

But then I got fat. Now I could wear a literal suit of armor and people would still assume all the same things as if I wore a damn tutu, because my large breasts and wide hips are considered so femme that it overwhelms everything else. I love my breasts and hips and I refuse to smash them flat or straight, so my body is always gonna read femme.

So now I am aggressively femme, though still not in a performative way. I usually don't wear makeup; I often have messy hair, and always wear it up in a braid; I never shave my body hair; on my feet I only wear comfortable black sneakers; I never paint my nails and I keep them very short. But I have come to embrace beading, appliqués, lace, ruffles, and even the color pink (though rarely).

I wear femme clothes defiantly, because I know people are going to get it wrong. I wear them because they don't mean weak, pliable, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive, etc; they mean whatever the fuck I want them to mean because only I can assign meaning to the clothes on my body. I will wear them when working out; I will wear them when topping someone; I will wear them in every situation where I am expected to be wearing boxed-in plain dark stiff heavy structured masc clothes. And I will make people accept the meaning I assign to how I dress.

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Comments
falena84 ══╣╠══

Thanks for sharing this. It gave me food for thought.

pic#125542182
maju01 ══╣pic#125542182╠══
people assume they understand what my genitals are from my clothes This happens to me occasionally, but in the opposite direction: because I mostly wear men's clothes and have short hair, I get taken for male. It's usually a shock to me because I most definitely do not feel male, nor do I want to be seen as a butch woman. However, I like to wear men's clothes because they are comfortable and in general better made than women's clothes. I don't feel that I'm making any statements about myself by how I dress, but I guess other people might think I am.
esvoljtab ══╣╠══
Thank you so much for sharing this; as always, it makes me reflect on my own journey with gender and presentation.
Original ★ love at first sight
ragnarok_08 ══╣Original ★ love at first sight╠══
Thank you so much for sharing - it really gave me a lot to think about :)
subterania ══╣╠══
i relate to a lot of this, and i love the term “aggressively femme”. that’s a lot of my aesthetic these days, and at the same time i don’t shave my body hair and i wear boxer briefs under my short dresses and half my head is buzzed. i’m sure people asusume i have a vagina and that’s fine but i still want them to be be uncomfortable and question their assumptions when they look at me.
erin's painting
browncouch ══╣erin's painting╠══
I wish more people would talk about this, that there was a wider representation of defiantly femme people. These are feelings my partner is currently struggling with.
callmebee ══╣╠══
Just letting you know I've read this post *smiley*
kehleyr ══╣╠══
I wear femme clothes defiantly, because I know people are going to get it wrong. I wear them because they don't mean weak, pliable, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive, etc; they mean whatever the fuck I want them to mean because only I can assign meaning to the clothes on my body. I will wear them when working out; I will wear them when topping someone; I will wear them in every situation where I am expected to be wearing boxed-in plain dark stiff heavy structured masc clothes. And I will make people accept the meaning I assign to how I dress.
Love this!
Chris Boucher ══╣╠══
That awesome gif
You are really fucking hot
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.