It was so the opposite two weeks ago. I was anxious to be with Paula and I hated to leave -- but now I'm realizing that she just simply does not want to spend energy on a friendship with me. Like most people I know, she sees it as normal to have friends that don't really invest in each other but simply enjoy each others' company when they happen to meet. I call that 'casual friendship' and I'm incapable of it. I can pretend to enjoy the company of a casual friend, but I'd rather either drop you out of my life or have a deep relationship with you. I can't love just a little -- I've tried. Every time I try to 'love just a little' I end up loving deeply. And I don't want to waste my love on someone who can't appreciate it. So, I've decided to withdraw my emotional investment from Paula and if/when she decides there is a hole in her life that she'd like to fill with me, I'll be happy to try again. But one-sided love is unhealthy (and contrary to popular opinion, not what God wants Christians to do; we are not supposed to invest in relationships that don't grow) and I refuse to be drawn in. I do not need a mother, I do not need a family, and I will stop seeking them.
I still love them, oh, so much -- but while Gabe and William are my little brothers, Paula (and Spencer?) does not want to make that kind of commitment. As is of course her decision, and I don't fault it. I've moved on (mostly) from the desire for Paula to be my mother, but I'd still like to be realfriends with her -- but she, as far as I can tell, doesn't. It's too scary. Spencer I really can't tell, but the point is 'moo' (as Joey would say, "like a cow's opinion"), 'cause if I'm not friends with Paula I can't be friends with her husband -- instinctual jealousy would arise. *sigh* Trust; such a hard thing to give when you've had it stolen before.