Belenen (belenen) wrote,

  • Mood:

ready for a change

Today has been SUCH a terribly boring day. With June here, Paula doesn't really need me (except to drive occasionally) so I'm just kinda being here. And honestly, at this point I'm just counting the hours until I have internet at my own house so that I have more to do than beadweave. (Ben says he's getting it set up tomorrow)

It was so the opposite two weeks ago. I was anxious to be with Paula and I hated to leave -- but now I'm realizing that she just simply does not want to spend energy on a friendship with me. Like most people I know, she sees it as normal to have friends that don't really invest in each other but simply enjoy each others' company when they happen to meet. I call that 'casual friendship' and I'm incapable of it. I can pretend to enjoy the company of a casual friend, but I'd rather either drop you out of my life or have a deep relationship with you. I can't love just a little -- I've tried. Every time I try to 'love just a little' I end up loving deeply. And I don't want to waste my love on someone who can't appreciate it. So, I've decided to withdraw my emotional investment from Paula and if/when she decides there is a hole in her life that she'd like to fill with me, I'll be happy to try again. But one-sided love is unhealthy (and contrary to popular opinion, not what God wants Christians to do; we are not supposed to invest in relationships that don't grow) and I refuse to be drawn in. I do not need a mother, I do not need a family, and I will stop seeking them.

I still love them, oh, so much -- but while Gabe and William are my little brothers, Paula (and Spencer?) does not want to make that kind of commitment. As is of course her decision, and I don't fault it. I've moved on (mostly) from the desire for Paula to be my mother, but I'd still like to be realfriends with her -- but she, as far as I can tell, doesn't. It's too scary. Spencer I really can't tell, but the point is 'moo' (as Joey would say, "like a cow's opinion"), 'cause if I'm not friends with Paula I can't be friends with her husband -- instinctual jealousy would arise. *sigh* Trust; such a hard thing to give when you've had it stolen before.
Tags: friendship, wynnes

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