Belenen (belenen) wrote,

Breaking down the myth that demisexuals don't like sex as much or want it as often as allosexuals

icon: "voltaic (me, face at a sharp angle staring out of one eye with a slight smile and streaks of rainbow light on my face)"

A myth about demisexual people that I wish would go away:
"Demisexual people don't like sex as much, or don't want it often."

I enjoy sex very much and sometimes I want it very often. Not wanting sex often or not enjoying it much is called low sex drive, and demisexual people can experience this just like allosexual people can experience it. But it is not a part of being demisexual, because being demisexual is about how sexual attraction or desire is created, not about intensity or frequency.

Sexual desire for me does not come from being attracted aesthetically (looks) or mentally (personality, interests). For me, sexual desire is created via conscious choice. I only have sexual desire for someone if I decide to: it's like a switch that I flip in my brain.

There are a number of factors that go into whether or not I flip that switch, but the key one is knowing that they are sexually interested in me. And when I say knowing, I don't mean guessing -- I mean they explicitly told me. This can make it complicated when the other person also needs an explicit statement, but I can know that I want to *try* it and then we can figure out if we want to do more.

Since most people are not explicit about being sexually interested in me unless we are intimate, I have very rarely had sex with people I wasn't emotionally intimate with. But on the occasions I did, I enjoyed it then too, and I'd like to do it again.

my sex drive

When I have a partner whom I have a sexual dynamic with and feel nourished by (and I don't have a depressive crisis going on), my sex drive is above average. I think about having sex with my partner at least once every day that I spend time with them.

If they are a strong initiator, I will probably have sex or sexy time (which is what I call sex that is brief or non-intense) with them more days than not. If they are not an initiator, sex will happen less often because it is work for me to initiate and I don't always have the energy. I also don't initiate generally if the other person seems to feel tired or ill. But it is rare for me to have a day when I wouldn't want any sexual interaction at all with someone who I am in love with and have a sexual dynamic with.

the enjoyment that I get out of sex

When I am having sex with an intimate partner, the most satisfying part for me is feeling emotionally connected. I have had an orgasm from someone putting their hand on the center of my chest and both of us focusing on that, with no other touch. THAT only happened once but many times I have had orgasms from giving my partner pleasure, without being touched myself. My emotional state is more tied in to my sexual pleasure than any physical stimulation.

I feel deeply emotionally satisfied from giving sexual and/or intimate emotional pleasure to someone I'm in love with. I enjoy this more than receiving, usually. I can easily spend hours on end focused on giving pleasure to my partner, and I crave this far more often than I crave receptive sex.

For sex with people whom I am not in love with, it would only be worth it if the sex was of a style that I haven't had or have rarely had, but want. I am insatiably curious and I love intimacy and am good at creating it, so I think it is likely I could enjoy new experiences with people even if I was not emotionally intimate with them already.
Tags: care and feeding of belenens, demisexual musings, identity, the essential belenen collection

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