Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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theophostic / molestation / trusting my own mind

Theophostic counseling can be explained as the Christian version of hypnotherapy. Basically myself and the counselor pray and ask God to reveal to me the things inside me that have been buried -- like memories.

Last night I went to theophostic, a little nervous because last time (which was the first time) it seemed like we didn't get anywhere. We didn't pray through anything or uncover any lies, though we dug up some repressed memories. I was afraid that that would happen again, but this time it was different. Since we had broken down some walls in my mind last time, this time I was able to handle going back into those memories...

What I know is that I was sexually molested -- I don't know who the man is (I couldn't recognize him in the memory) and I'm not quite sure how old I was, and I don't know how many times, but I know that it happened. And I know that I had believed that I was unimportant (since he didn't care about my feelings or thoughts, obviously) but after unearthing that lie and praying, God told me that my feelings and whole self are very important... and that that man couldn't really dirty me. That his actions planted lies in my mind, but actions done to me cannot defile me -- only my reaction (in believing the lie that I'm worthless and defiled) has that power. Still workin' on believing that one.

Also, apparently when I was little I had told my parents something that had happened to me, and they insisted that I was making it up, and that led to me not being able to trust myself (because they knew more than I did, so what they said must be true, which makes me unable to trust my own mind). We got part of that resolved, but I'm not quite healed from that yet.

That answered so many questions -- why I can't believe fully in anything (that this world really exists, that I am really inside this body, that Ben loves me, etc.) and why I can't trust anyone else completely (including God). If you can't trust your own mind not to make up stuff, you can't trust anything, can you? All the good stuff might have been invented, and for all you know, this person might not even exist. --- all that had been in my subconscious, where it couldn't be addressed. But now, I'm killing the lies with truth, and drowning the darkness in light. It's a very cleansing feeling.

After the session I felt so much stronger, though there is still stuff I have to work through (like the lie all victims believe, that they deserved it)... I'm glad to be getting some answers, and know enough of the problem to start working on the solution.
Tags: recovery / therapy / healing, theophostic

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