Today was okay, drivin' Paula around and stuff... and then I went out with Allison and the rest of my day was wonderful.
Allison and I are going to start a deeper friendship! You've no idea how happy this makes me. I have no idea how happy this makes me. I'm torn 'cause I definately want to be closer to her and really get to know her... but I can't help the tiny irritating doubts in my mind that say, "She doesn't really understand what this entails, and then she does she's gonna run away so fast she'll leave a vaccuum." ...cause it means being open to everything -- all that stuff she used to be able to stuff down and ignore.
Anyway, we went to the local coffeehouse (an awesome little coffeeshop that's almost as awesome as Insomnia used to be), and talked about little bits of nothing until Rebecca called wanting to know when we were gonna pick her up -- at which point I said to myself, "well, it's now or next year" and told her to tell Rebecca we'd pick her up in 45 minutes. Then I told Allison that I wanted to have a deep friendship with her, and the real talking started... she said she wanted the same thing, but was afraid of how violent her insides might be and what I might feel if she let them out around me (I know that feeling very well). I simply told her that I'm not very easily hurt (she'd have to deliberately intend pain for me to be hurt) and that I'm willing to accept that 'risk' 'cause she's worth it.
At some point a musician came in so we went elsewhere to talk... and I asked what she wanted from me -- she didn't know, so I told her what I wanted: a commitment to three things -- 1, honesty and being as open as possible; 2, lifelong relationship (working out whatever problems); and 3, promising to tell me if I hurt or offend her (and vice versa). She agreed -- and I said, "are you sure? it's a lot to ask..." She thought a moment and said that she was 'willing to try anything'. That wasn't quite concrete enough to satisfy me, but I took it then, 'cause I was so caught up that I wasn't thinking that it would bother me later. I must ask her to say those things out loud, so I can stop doubting quite so much.
At one point something was bothering her, so I asked her what was it about me that scared her -- and she said that my passion to be passionate bothered her. She didn't understand it, 'cause to her I seem passionate -- why do I want more? I explained that I want to be the me she sees around every person, and not shrink into a shell -- EVER. She digested that and then said that she supposed it bothered her because she would feel enthusiastic about something, be totally passionate about it, and at the same time be totally detatched. I said, "I feel exactly the same way!" and then her whole self uncurled excitedly and she exclaimed, "really?!? Now I'm interested."
I explained (rather disjointedly) that I used to feel passionate and be detached all at once, and I tried to get rid of the passion and be totally detached -- then I opened up and now I'm trying to get rid of the detachment and be totally passionate. And I've got it mostly conquered when I'm alone; but when I'm around other people my safe little shell is to be uncaring, unemotional, careful, decorous -- TOTALLY NOT ME. The real me is so much like Joan from Playing By Heart -- wildly herself around anyone and everyone.
What a wonderful thing to see Allison uncurl like that! It was like a bud went poof! into a blossom. And I could almost see her thinking, "maybe this openness stuff might be worth it after all!"
(the bad thing about the day was that Allison turned off her cell and we talked and talked and didn't get Rebecca and didn't tell her what was going on -- it was very bad of us. We should have told her that we were just talking and didn't want to pick her up, so she could go hang with Trevor. But Allison's nonconfrontational, and I was too. But... I'm not sorry we didn't pick her up, 'cause it is just too much to ask a novice to be open with two people at once; I'm very sorry we didn't just call her and be honest. I feel guilty... and selfish, 'cause Rebecca wanted time with her too, and I took it ALL.)