Belenen (belenen) wrote,

  • Mood:

theophostic / more memories / singing full-voiced!

I brought up a memory of being sodomized... Feeling those feelings again was ... well, I couldn't bring myself to really feel it all. So the feelings got a little sifted, not so physical. I felt nauseated and dizzy though, and felt the spray (when the man ejaculated on me) like acid across my belly and leg. The hardest thing about it was that it is so hard to believe, since it's such a bizarre thing... but I do believe it. I did recognize the man, couldn't tell who he was but I knew that I knew him. It wasn't a stranger. Nasty nasty nasty.... nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty....... that word stays stuck in the front of my brain during these sessions. And I had been optimistic that we were nearly through (for one thing, I don't like this counselor's style; he's got a much more black&white picture of God than I have) but it doesn't seem like it.

The good part is, I can sing without closing off my throat now... I think it's because my spirit is more free and my faith is stronger, so I'm not so afraid of being myself. (and singing full-voice is about as myself as it gets) And Kaylene was so right -- there is a huge difference. I couldn't hear it before, but now I can tell when I'm doing it -- and I can open my throat and sing out. *happy girl, happy girl*
Tags: recovery / therapy / healing, theophostic

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