Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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in the modeling mood / expressiveness / body-connectedness


I've been feeling very posey lately... and wanting to do a photoshoot... and so this week two photographers emailed me -- one who wanted to do a shoot on Sunday (I said no in case Risa is born) and another that I'm most likely going to shoot with on Thursday (that's the plan right now).

I've noticed a difference when I look in the mirror -- I've always had an expressive face (when I was 12 I decided I'd rather end up wrinkled than saggy, so I use my facial muscles always) but recently it's been more so. Like my spirit is stretching her arms, yawning, and blinking herself awake. When I 'make faces' now they mean more, like my spirit is finally connecting with my facial muscles and using them by instinct rather than my mind's design.

And it delights me more than coffee-- what are you falling over for? There are things I love more than coffee! ...Can't think of any right now, but... *grin*

I've always longed to be more connected with my body, to be able to believe that the body I see in the mirror is actually mine. For as long as I can remember, I've felt so wrong looking in the mirror, 'cause my reaction is always "who's that and where is my real body?" I still feel that way now, but I can feel it changing. If I look hard enough into my eyes I can see myself, and my facial expressions no longer bore me. YES I look in the mirror to see who I am -- admit you do it too.

And I think photography helps with that too... and I want to chronicle this journey. I feel strongly that there will be a huge difference in my work, and I can't wait to compare the pictures... to see those of me with a disconnected spirit and those of me in transition, and the wonderful ones when I am fully connected. I expect to be nearly haunting when I get to that point... 'cause my spirit will shine through, and the difference between myself and most models will be the difference between a live snow leopard and a stuffed one.

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