Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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random recent stuff -- bitterness over Paula, talking with Mark

Sylvia broke down friday... but Sheridan is working for right now, and will continue working at least until we get Sylvia completely checked out (I think it's merely that the spark plugs are dirty, 'cause 2 people have suggested that, and the area where the spark plugs are is dirty. But we'll find out, I trust these people). I miss my car so much... Yeah, I'm attached to my car... and she needs a bath. And I need to replace the band stickers on the back, which means I have to make some.

I've been seriously considering buying more icons.

I talked to my dad on friday. He complained that I have not comforted the family. I told him that I'm not their parent and that's not my job; I've offered the help I have in the form of advice. Had my mind been working quickly enough I would have told him that it was their job to comfort me, and they'd been doing a damn lousy job the past 21 years -- no, make that 17 years, they did a decent job the first four, as far as I can remember. .......He wants me to tell him that he did the right thing, that it's all okay and he can just sweep it back under the rug and forget about it, that he doesn't need to stress. But guess what? He did the wrong thing, very wrong, and I'm sick of listening to him try to justify it, it isn't okay, and he can't sweep it under the rug. It is true that he doesn't need to stress about it, but he doesn't listen when I tell him that. He told me he was feeling suicidal for a while -- I'd care, but I don't think he's quite that irresponsible, and hopefully I've cast enough doubt that I'll step into his shoes for him not to rely on me to do his job. I'm NOT going to go back into the role of taking care of two adults and their two children. No matter how much guilt he tries to lay on me. He ought to be trying to find out how I feel and offer me support, not whine about how I'm not being supportive. This is ridiculous.

I've been making tons of double-pair earrings -- on Wednesday I can start wearing them! Yay!

And yeah, Helen was in the delivery room when Risa was born. So was June, who Paula said she didn't want in the room. And Katrina, who Paula doesn't like, knew about the birth and held Risa before I did. Me? Oh, I'm just the bitter little white girl. Unfortunately, I have been bitter about it, but I can't confront Paula because of her unstable blood pressure and the baby... so I feel trapped. And bitter. And angry. And betrayed. And lied to.
I want to say, "Paula, I don't know why the truth is such an expensive commodity for you, but you'd think that after all the honesty I've given you you could spare a little change for me. Nope. You deceived me into thinking that I was welcome and appreciated, and then deliberately cut me out of the fourth most significant event in your life, while allowing people with whom you have mutual apathy to have that place. If you put people you don't really like above me, then all the times you said 'I love you' must be worthless lies. You don't put people you don't like above people you love. You played nice and used me, then cast me aside when you were done."

I still don't have a prayer/bible study partner for the fast -- hopefully I'll find one at church tonight. A miraculously not-distractable non-procrastinator who still doesn't have a partner, hah hah. I've been doing well though -- reading the bible has been interesting lately. I've been finding verses that speak to me, and even more fun, finding verses that seem to confirm a new theory of mine. (I'll post about that when I have it a bit more developed)
Tags: biofamily, church - liberty, fasting, wynnes

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