Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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My eyes are weird right now 'cause I slept in my contacts.

Del is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! See what she did!!! She read my bit of story where Hinimel is watching the gypsy-types of my world dance, and was so inspired that she had to draw!!! I remain terrificationally flattered.

      El was happy with the necklace and earring set I made for her!!! YAY!!!

      At breakthrough yesterday we talked about "How you see God" and how you tend to picture him however you picture your earthly father. So for me, like it or not, my subconscious view has been of a God that wants me to be perfect and will withhold love if I'm not, who doesn't want to share his heart with me, who delights in saying "no," and who isn't interested in things that are important to me but only in what I need to survive. Basically, a "you do it and I'll watch, and if it's not perfect I'm going to mush you with my big thumb" God. (Thumb-mushing quote from Kaylene) So at least I've pinpointed what I need to get past.

      Why is it so hard to get my spirit and soul to agree with my mind? Oh Lord, give me the strength to believe when I don't even have the desire!

      And right now I don't want to do anything that would please Him (AKA read Bible, pray, worship) because if I did and I was suddenly able to hear from him again, I'd think that it was because I "did good," and I don't want that. I want to be able to believe that He loves me and wants to be friends with me even if I'm NOT doing anything particularly pleasing. My heart is for him, and I want proof that that is what he's really concerned with. Thus, from a logical point of view (*Ben's*), I'm deliberately sabatoging myself, in effect refusing to take my medicine because I want a miraculous healing and don't want to believe that the meds had anything to do with it. Even if the meds are asprin and the illness is cancer.
Tags: b - ex-partner, deities, recovery / therapy / healing

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