Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

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update on the 40-day fast

Well, my cravings for crunchiness have stopped (or at least hidden away for a while) but I keep dreaming that I forget I'm fasting and eat chips. Then I freak out about it -- but not enough to wake me up. So when I do finally wake up, I wonder if it was a dream or a memory until I recall the circumstances.

And a good thing is this: I've been actually reading the Word (and finding some interesting stuff); it helps me that I know a bunch of other people are reading. I don't know why. And I'm looking forward to posting a rant that I have bubbling in my mind... God agrees with me, so there! Just kidding. I may of course be wrong: but until I see a logical counter-argument I shall believe that I am right.

The bad thing is this: my faith feels like it's simultaneously powerful and nonexistant. I wish I had someone to show me the way... but I seem to be trekking through uncharted territory. Most christians seem content to accept other people's answers, but no, I have to find my own... and I feel like I need some proof, some very personal proof; something my mind CANNOT doubt! And I wonder, do most christians push these thoughts away, or do they not have them, or is there an answer to this that I'm missing? I hope that there is an answer, and whether other people have found it or not, I'm gonna! I want something beyond the spiritual -- I have plenty of spiritual proof -- I want something physical, to convince my mind that my spirit isn't just plain lying.
I cried and cried and cried at night -- and Ben had just worked a 14.5 hour day, and was too exhausted to be much comfort. I read my Bible ('cause of course I put it off until the last moment) and the feeling subsided, but it's still there.

Maybe a prayer partner would help -- if I can get in touch with one.
Tags: deities, fasting, spirituality
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