Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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tattered faith

I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.
Tags: deities, faith, fasting, spirituality

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