Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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theophostic / what the hell is a family anyway

This time we pinpointed the event that split me into the cobra and the waif... oddly enough, it wasn't one of those sexual abuse events. What I can remember is being about four years old, and telling my dad "no" for the first time. I can't remember what it was, probably something like he told me to put my toys away, but he got so angry... His face turned red and he pinched his lips together and told me something like "You're not allowed to say no." The effect of this was that from then on, I believed that there was nothing I could count on, and if I didn't perform, I might get kicked out, with nothing to eat and nowhere to sleep... and in every relationship I've ever had, I am afraid that if I do something wrong, then they will cease to care about me.

John says that when I am able to forgive my dad for all the effects he's had on my life, then my cobra and waif will be able to join. But before I can forgive my dad I have to have healing from all those things. My assignment, during the next two weeks, is to write down all the things that I need to forgive my dad for. Dayum.


Essentially, my childhood ended at age four. From then on, in my way of thinking, I earned every bite I ate and every moment I spent under my parents' roof; I've never felt any obligation to them at all. I felt like I had employers, not parents, and I just don't have "family" feelings like most people. The bonds were broken before I even went to kindergarten. It makes me feel weird to hear people talk about how they love their parents or siblings -- mine were just housemates. I don't understand feeling secure in a family relationship, I don't understand feeling fuzzy about one's siblings, I don't understand wanting to spend time with one's family.
And of course Ben has a family that is unlike any you've ever seen -- absolutely the most functional family in this generation. So he wants to spend time with them, and I just don't get it. One at a time I like them... but all at once they frustrate me, because the family concept frustrates me. Yet sometimes I enjoy them all together... And any flaw in their family screams at me, because in my family I was the one in charge of fixing the problems, and I can't get myself out of that role; and everybody else just doesn't see it or ignores it. That, above all, is why I don't like family situations -- I feel like I need to make the kids behave and make the parents respond correctly, and it's incredibly frustrating. Not just in Ben's family or mine, but in any place where I'm around a parent and child. Apart I enjoy their company -- together I want to yell at them or run away.
Tags: cobra spirit, recovery / therapy / healing, theophostic

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