March 2018
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Six (spiritual) years old!

So I've been whole-heartedly (most of the time) focusing on God for six years now! (I actually invited him into my life when I was four, but didn't really pursue a friendship with him until six years ago)

I've learned a lot in the past year...

---I went through three levels of counseling, discovered all manner of bad things about my and my family's past -- and worked through the majority of them, though I still have a bit to go...
---I learned that I was sexually abused as a child, and had completely repressed the memories. I've worked through many of them in counseling now.
---I got married to my unbelievably wonderful husband! In one month we reach our 1 year anniversary.
---I had sex! Yes, I was a virgin until I got married. Even more amazing, so was he!
---I began a deep friendship with Kaylene, and lived in the same house with her for two months -- the best time of my life! I had my husband and my spirit-sister in the same house... it was just wonderful.
---I learned how to let go without being bitter -- with Kaylene.
---I spent three months taking care of Paula, learning that people don't always just open up when you want them to... and learning that Spencer loves me... and learning that trust is a precious thing, and I'm glad I'm able to give it easily, but that's a rare gift in this hurting world and I cannot expect it of others, no matter how I throw myself at them.
---I moved three times, learning to have a contract, ask the owner before sub-leasing, and not trust strangers who ask loads of questions.
---I began modeling more often, and discovered that I really love it and photographers really love working with me.

I've changed a lot in the past year...

---I've become much much much more open, partly due to counseling and my positive experience spilling my soul in Breakthrough to Joy (a group counseling thing), but mostly due to this lovely thing called livejournal, I think. I began LJing in September of last year, but for sake of easy remembering I'm gonna call this my LJ anniversary as well. Through keeping all my posts public (except ones that involve someone else's secret, of course) and receiving feedback on them, I've learned that there really are people who appreciate unbridled honesty and openness, and that has released me from the "people aren't interested; keep your thoughts to yourself" fear that I had. I've also learned that I like not hiding who I really am, and so I generally don't -- I'm still working on opening up around people who judge me. Once I can learn with my heart that their judgements only stick if I allow them to, I will be able to be free even when around people that I know judge me. And then I'll like being around them a little more.
---I've grown in faith -- my Last-Minute God always takes care of me, but in my life he always waits until the last possible second to give me the answer to my prayer. I think this is his way of joking with me for being such a procrastinator. ;-) And teasing me for being so impatient.
---I've learned that faith is more than having God in your life: it's actually trusting him to control your life. I haven't quite managed to do that, but I'm a lot closer than I was.
---I've become less loud and angry, and more prone to think before I speak. This is because my husband has a completely different personality, and what I might think of as merely blunt, he feels as spiteful. So I've learned to be somewhat more careful in my phraseology, and to say "I think" before expressing my opinion, so that he doesn't feel like I'm trying to make him think the same way. This has made a postitive change in other relationships too.
---I've learned to be more patient with people. I am the type that can just decide to be spiritually naked, and there I am! But most people take time, first getting accustomed to skimpier clothes, then taking them off but occasionally putting them back on, until finally they are comfortable bare. I want to just strip people, and they don't appreciate that unless they're a spiritual nudist already. And two of my friends are! but most aren't, as I had to learn the hard way.
---I've learned that I can be judgemental, and that was a hard lesson to learn. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. And I made a decision to change. However, I've only decided to stop making negative judgements about people. I will continue making neutral and positive judgementsabout people, and I will continue to judge ideas in any way I want, unless God shows me that he doesn't like that either. The Bible says "Do not judge, or you will be judged" -- but I don't care about neutral judgements nor about people judging my ideas, (and I like positive judgements) so I'll take judgement in those forms when it comes.
---I've learned that there are always reasons a person does bad things... and if they are hurting people, it's because they have unhealed wounds. This increased my capacity for compassion by a great amount.


My birthday was lovely... my wonderful man bought me another year of LJ and extra userpics for my birthday present!!! Yay! I am a silly amount of excited about the extra userpics. ;-)

feelings: sexeh
sounds: Avant: "Makin' Good Love"

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nicker ══╣╠══
Thanks for adding me. I think I'm really going to enjoy reading your journal and drawing on your positive approach to things. For a long time I've wondered if I have a spiritual hole in my life. I haven't quite figured out how to fill it though.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
You're welcome! I hope you do enjoy reading my posts.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Happy birthday :) Sure the next year will be even better than the last.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks! I'm sure it will be too.
nikare ══╣╠══
Making with the Happy Birthday
Good to know that you reached that point in your life so early on. Not many people truly believe or even understand it until later in life...if even at all. Keep on truckin'.

As for how you've chagned and what you've learned in the past year...

For counseling to be of any accomplishment, you must first be able to honestly open up the truth of things. It seems you have done this. You are correct: it will take time to fully catch up with the "pull" that events in the past may have. Happily, you seem to be well on your way, and we shall continue to it that things go smoothly.

Never a good thing, and it can be equally detrimental to open up the box that the mind has sealed for your own good, unless proper care is taken. This is one of the larger hurdles you have nearly fully accomplished.

There is indeed a strong bond that holds the two of you together. That sort of bond has become much more rare nowadays than once before. It can be a difficult thing to forsee what is to come of two people's lives whom are so elegantly intertwined together, but we have seen much evidence that alludes to positive things for the two of you. Happy early one year.

[Sex/Making Love]
A beautiful past-time when it is not horribly abused and scavenged, as it is very often nowadays. One of the many gifts that keep on giving. Literally.

Though I am not familiar with this person, new friends, especially potentially good ones, are always nice to have. When friends reach a certain level of impact on your life, it is natural to want to share that person with the world. This is something that has a connection with marriage as well, but that subject is best left for later.

[Paula, Spencer]
More names and more people I have not encountered. You bring up a good issue though: trust. It is magnificent to be able to trust people, yet that same trust is not always returned. Thusly, the dilemma. Do keep on the path to trust others and not expect trust back. Just be sure that you do not place all your trust into someone undeserving of such.

Moving can be a healthy experience for the purposes of learning how to deal with change. However, too much change can lead to adverse reactions to it, and this causes a much more driving desire for unhealthy drive for stability. Keep strength during the changes; draw on one another.

[Modeling & Live Journal]
Good to have a passion you enjoy.

Ah, faith. This is something better kept for longer amounts of conversation opportunity.

As for now, I must continue my machinations, whether they be desirable or not. Do keep on with your advancement together with your husband. We shall continue to watch how well things grow and ensure that they prosper.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: Making with the Happy Birthday
this is the longest non-argumentative comment I've ever gotten. It may be the longest comment period. Nice to know you read it allll... it was long!

As for Kaylene, Paula, and Spencer, they're all frequent subjects of my posts. I must go back and "memorize" them for confused newbies like you. ;-)
shaybe ══╣╠══
happy birthday
hope it was great
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: happy birthday
it was! thanks.
sky_falls_down ══╣╠══
awesome! happy birthday!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
digitalmiasma ══╣╠══
First of all, happy birthday :) And it's great you can have such positive view on things, I admire that. If you really want something, you can do it, even change yourself and your life around. Keep it up :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you and thank you! It's much easier to be positive about things after you're on the other side of them. ;-)
darkpool ══╣╠══
Happy spiritual birthday! Congratulations on all you've accomplished in the past year. I really anjoy reading your life. It amazes me how you are so open about your life. I am not that way at all. Your analogy about spirtual nudists made me laugh. :-)

</i>Do not judge, or you will be judged"</i> I've always taken this to mean that you should judge carefully, not that you shouldn't judge. How can you have discrimination if you don't judge?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you! And thank you for saying that you see me as so open -- that means a lot to me.

That's a good point about that verse -- I hadn't looked at it that way, but you're quite right.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Well, you certainly deserve credit for the positive attitude...that's one thing I know most of us (myself included) could use a little work on. Way to see the best in things....and happy birthday!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks and thanks!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.