April 2018
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dream (paula and spencer) / Spencer called me Risa's sister

I had such a lovely dream about Paula and Spencer (and June and baby Risa) but I can't remember most of it. All I can really remember is that I went to visit them and Paula was delighted to see me! She had a colossal bag of gifts for me, and as soon as she saw me she ran and brought it, and poured it all out in her haste to show it to me. And the best part was -- they were actually gifts that I would like! See, I don't care how much the gift cost or how wonderful everyone else thinks it is; what really matters to me is that the gift suits my personality or style or hobbies. (and the last time Paula gave me a gift it was so anti-me that it was kinda funny -- I'm glad I yielded to her insistence that I not open it in front of her, 'cause my face would have said it all) And also in the dream, Spencer somehow made it irrefutable that he loves me. I don't remember if he actually said the words or not, but whatever he did made all my doubt disappear.


Oh yes, and I forgot to post this when it happened, but the last time Ben and I visited them, Spencer held Risa, waved her little hand at me and said to her, "Say 'hi sis!'" When he said that I could feel Paula's surprise, though I didn't look at her. I wanted to hold Risa so badly and I think he woke her up for that very purpose -- but I was sick, and I didn't want to contaminate her.

But when he said that, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't feel utterly delighted, 'cause Spencer may think of me as a daughter, but Paula doesn't, and she's the deciding factor in how close I'm allowed to be to the family. Still, it made me feel warm and accepted. (and made me wonder if Spencer had ever come across my journal and read the entry where I complained that I didn't want to be Risa's 'aunt,' I wanted to be her sister)

feelings: loved
sounds: the Cranberries: "Pretty"
connecting: ,

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cutegrljay ══╣╠══
i'm kinda new to your friends list and was just curious... is spencer and paula your in-laws? or your parents? i was trying to figure out how the whole sister vs aunt thing worked out and i'm lost...

in any event, i hope paula does accept you. its always hard when there is that one person who dictates how the relationships should go, cause unfortunately everyone seems to follow that person. i've been there, and it could hurt...
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
heh -- I can see how that would be confusing. Actually, they aren't related to me at all -- I lived with them for a year, earning my room and board by driving their sons around. During that time I 'spiritually adopted' them, since I had never been close to my biological family. I have some entries about them in my memories -- if you're curious, click here.
cutegrljay ══╣╠══
well, i've read thru some of you memories to get a better idea of the situation... it seems that Paula was excepting of you previously and somehow has changed recently. the best word of advice i can give is to ride it out, it seems that she may be hormonal. i'm assuming, since you say she is old enough to be your mother, that she is reaching that age where her homones are a changing (plus she has just had a child - even more hormone changes). i know that the women i know who are reaching 'that age' are really hard to deal with and sometimes have a way of pushing people away without even knowing they are doing it.

i also remember when i was in highschool thinking how weird it was that my friends' sister-in-law had such an issue with certain people holding her newborn. when i told my mom about it i expected her to be shocked; instead she said that its very normal and very hard to explain. the woman doesnt necessarily understand WHY she doesnt want some people to hold her baby, she just thinks that they shouldnt - period. it comes down to motherly instinct and can be anything from not trusting the person to being afraid the baby might bond with that person more than the baby has bonded with her. i was the one who was shocked to find out my mother had issues the first few months with people holding me - people she was actually very close with.

hopefully i'm not being overly intrusive in assuming i know the situation (please correct me if i've assumed too much). it sounds like paula herself may have a hard time bonding with others so maybe this is just a bump in the road while she re-adjusts. She and Spencer sound like they are very influential in your life and i really hope everything works itself out...
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.