April 2018
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This is truly truly ridiculous.

I am so busy. And I didn't get a day off this week. I told them I need either fri, sat, or sunday off, but they scheduled me all three and I didn't notice 'til too late. I have been so scatterbrained today too. My feet kept running ahead of my brain, which was annoying. GBLECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Ben has a hernia. *million dammits* I'm more than a little worried, and it freaks me out everytime he talks about it. I just hate the idea of him hurting in that area.... And yeah I'm worried about whether he'll be healed enough from the surgery before the honeymoon.

      Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh........ I could cry, but I am trying to get by with ignoring my worry. Also, he isn't working this week but he's getting workers' comp., and I'll be honest, I'm envious. Not of his pain, but of his ability to sleep in and then do whatever he wants all day. He tried complaining to me today about not being able to do anything but sit on his butt all week and I told him if he wanted to complain, do it elsewhere.

      Kaylene cancelled. I cried. It's so STUPID. She told me that she might have to work, and I was sure that she was going to be working, but my subconscious apparently didn't agree. I guess the biggest thing is, I feel like she's just being 'nice' and she doesn't really want to spend time with me. Why can't people be honest? and why am I always giving my heart to THE WRONG PEOPLE?

"Here ya go."
"Oh, a tissue, cool. These boots are leather, so I need to dry them off."
"wait! um..."
"Oh, sorry, did you not want me to do that?"
"Here, you can have my tissue."
"Actually, could I have my heart back? I know it's pretty much destroyed, but it's the only one I've got, so..."


      And I was so excited, 'cause Nonina, my Italian step-grandmother, called, and I thought she was saying she was coming to the wedding but she was just wanting my address so she could send me a gift. I didn't want a FUCKING GIFT. Does she think I'm just a mercenary leech? I want her to believe me when I say I love you. I mean it. I never say those words lightly. But I think she just has a hard time giving any way but monetarily. She cares about me. But she's not coming to my wedding.

      This is going to be terrible, if I get this hurt over everyone who isn't coming. But my friend-whom-I've-never-met, Jedidiah, is coming from CANADA, and he is spending a lot of his hard-earned money to do so. Just to come to my wedding!!!!!!!! And Nonina lives in Columbus, GA. She does travel a lot though.

And Ben just went to see Matrix3 for free, 2 days early.

      Why won't people I love be HONEST? Open? Why is that so impossible? Warning: Before my 21st birthday, if you are not a "real" friend, you will be pruned from the deep parts of my heart and replanted in the outer wall. I don't really know what that means yet, but I will by then.

      I wonder if anyone but me will remember my 2nd birthday. God will, but will he show me he remembers? I'll be five.

feelings: lonely

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jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieee! My Kristen is hurting and her Bennie Boo is too?!? Ack! Where have I been? I don't even know who this Kaylene chick is, though I'm sure she just didn't realize how canceling would make you feel. And Nonina...well, I have no clue why she wouldn't come to your wedding of all things (I love Jedidiah already, coming down from Canadia!) but I'm sure she's under the impression that sending a gift is the thing to do. Alot of people place alot of importance on giving wedding presents, it's tradition. You just want them to be there. I know that, but that's 'cuz I know you. And Happy Other-Birthday! I'm a loser and don't remember the exact date (hell, took my moronic self two years to sort out your physical b'day is 2/6 and Kat's is 3/3 'cuz I kept mixing them up! 2/3, 3/6? eyah..) but I know it's SOON! *huggles* Praying for you hon...and I'll see you over TurkeyBreak if it kills me! If I have to haunt JoAnne's and help you, I'll spend time with my Bel!
belenen ══╣╠══
I's happy now, esp. since I skipped ALL of my classes today. I needed a bit of a rest. And you will soon know who Kaylene is! 'Cause I have decided, with ya'll's agreement, to make her an honorary insanity cubed member, and this is gonna be so cool.

My other-b-day is Nov 13. The original date was a friday the 13th, under a full moon, at midnight, with a black cat in the room. Go figure.

And yeah we will spend time together! Even if you have to stay up late for it to happen!!!
coloremotion ══╣╠══
2 days early? wow

my x got to see it 1 day early

too bad this is the LAST matrix evar
belenen ══╣╠══
Very true. What sucks is I am the only one I can talk to about how awesome and philosophical and many-layered this series is. But at least I can gush to me about it. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.