Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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my messed-up self

I don't know what is going on inside me -- but these past two days have been terrible. I feel like my spirit is being eaten up... or like my spirit is sick, not the kind of sick where you feel like sleeping all the time but the kind of sick where you feel like sleeping, but you can't -- instead you flip-flop on the bed, feeling a nameless, placeless ache in every cell. But that's not my body feeling that, it's my spirit.

So frustrating because I can't get rid of it. I can't even drown it in a book -- when I read I can't get into it.

I think it has something to do with major triggers lately... one was an icon that I won't describe because just to describe it bothers me so much. The other was a community that posts 'erotic stories' about rape and child molestation. I reported both of these -- LJ said, "we're not going to do anything." That's the attitude of everyone, isn't it? It certainly feels like it.

I've felt so hopelessly fucked up these past two days... I can't guard myself from learning about this stuff -- it's everywhere! I need to get completely healed so that it doesn't hurt me so much.... I wonder what it feels like to be a healthy human being. I imagine I'll be fearless -- it seems that my natural self is fearless, but my current, fucked-up self isn't. Not by a long shot.


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