Belenen (belenen) wrote,

  • Mood:

(wrnng:sx) incredibly depressed and morose

Y'know how the other day I had great sex?

Well tonight, Ben and I were gonna play... but when he touched my nipples I felt attacked and nearly paniced... he was being so gentle, it made no sense for me to feel that way but I did...

I felt like such a failure as a wife and a person.
My sexuality is a very vital part of who I am, and having it be so damn fucked up just kills me.

Ben was loving and just held me and didn't even seem disappointed (I think he has resigned himself to the fact that sometimes I will just fall apart) but it hurt so badly even so.

This is HORRIBLE. Imagine one of your gifts only working 40% of the time, and the rest of the time being not only gone, but negative... like you're an artist, and sometimes you are wonderful at drawing, but most of the time you feel terrified at putting a pencil to paper. And even when you're good, when you get out your supplies, you are worried that you'll end up terrified and unable to perform. Not that great an analogy, but imagine it about 500 times that bad, and you've kinda got it.

Oh when will this end?

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