Tags: anger

ADD-PI

anti-sex-worker sentiment horrifies me -- big gross fail in "Good Girls"

One thing I have never understood is disdain for / disgust toward sex workers. Even when I was the Christianest Christian I've ever known, I never felt that. (Jesus treated full-service sex workers with respect so Jesus would say "it would be better if you drowned" to the so-called Christians who disdain sex workers -- because that is how you talk to religious bullies)

Last night I watched a scene in a show where a mom of a sick kid listens to a stripper describing how to swallow a pill so that you don't gag, which is something that the kid has been struggling with for months. Instead of being grateful that her kid now has a skill she needed to be healthy, and ashamed that she didn't previously treat the stripper character as a human, the sound faded out like it does in a panic attack. I was honestly worried that she was about to physically attack the stripper character.

In the next scene the mom is flipping the fuck out at someone else in clearly displaced rage. The mom describes her husband (bouncer at the strip club) as working at a job that makes *her* feel demeaned as a woman and as a mother. WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THIS???

And the worst part is, the show writer is obviously sympathetic to that attitude because it is being portrayed as if it is the "natural" response! It's not fucking natural! It's horrifying and it makes no sense! And the stripper's explanation about the pill was clearly being written for "comedic" value because it was almost entirely double entendres including things you would never say to a child, like "just let it happen." This character is a goddamn caricature and I still like her way better than the mom. Your anti-sex-worker bullshit makes you a bad person, period. You are dangerous and gross.

To make it even fucking worse, the husband in the "demeaning" job of bouncer had just saved the stripper from getting raped the night before. She was bringing over a gift basket as thanks. How is your response not "oh my god, my partner's work is actually really important, now I can be happy he has this job, and also I want to offer support to this person who got attacked"?!?!?!? How do you see her as a threat instead?!?!?

I'm kinda over the whole show from this. Ugh. Yet it was really fucking good in the first two seasons. Like, groundbreaking excellence in some ways. *tears hair out*
garrulous

tweets & fb posts, November 2016

icon: "garrulous(a photo of my lips with the skin greyed out and the lips overlaid with a green and blue fractal pattern)"

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snarling

if someone shares their vulnerability w you, to use it against them is evil, blasphemy of intimacy

icon: "snarling"

To deliberately use someone's vulnerabilities against them is to commit a great blasphemy against intimacy. Anyone who is willing to do that under ANY circumstances is not someone who deserves my trust. I consider it to be a deep emotional violation, as much the inverse of positive sharing as stabbing is the inverse of petting.

I think I am capable of hitting someone in rage; it's not likely, but if they are attacking someone I care about, or if I cannot escape and cannot otherwise stop them from hurting me, I might hit a person. I do not think there is any way I could possibly use a vulnerability shared with me in trust to attack someone. That is fucking evil. I wouldn't do it to the person I hate most in the world. I wouldn't do it to the fucking Koch brothers, and I'd cheerfully watch them drown.
overwhelmed

accomplished, anxious, angry, could feel better maybe

things that make me feel accomplished right now:
having made at least 3 real friends out of acquaintances in the past 4 months
having broken up with Aurilion
having had productive conversations with Hannah
having written pretty steadily for the past 3 months
having spent more time with Kylei and Heather

things that make me feel anxious right now:
not knowing my final grade for stats this semester :-O
feeling unclear on if I got my assignments all in properly and also afraid of annoying the professor by asking and also pretty sure that I did so it doesn't feel worth it to ask
gardening (it's a deadline even though it isn't a firm one)
the fact that I've asked several professors for recommendation letters and they were all like "yes I'd love to!" and then didn't do it and I didn't respond to it within the time for it to not be awkward
the fact that said recommendation letters are necessary for any scholarship applications
the fact that I'm poor goddammit and need scholarship money
Topaz' stress and recent bout of migraines

things that make me angry right now:
everything
especially the fact that multiple people got to the end of a semester of a GWST class and still made the argument for an inevitable "natural" human urge to other and create hierarchy. Way to not learn a damn thing about human "nature."
also the sexist false narrative of fertilization.

things that would make me feel better (probably) but I feel too ADDfrazzled to do:
fractalling
writing more about TBC
editing photos
making icons
sleeping?
getting something/anything written so that I feel more in charge of my own brain
antagonistic

school / ADD-PI / arguing with rude people demanding my politeness

I had been trying to write that relationship update post for 4 days, but I was so mentally wiped out by the stats project that I've been working on that it took until now (after it was finished and then I had about 24 hours of sleep and brain-rest via silly shows) to be able to get started. I felt pretty frustrated with it. It's because I let too much build up and it got overwhelming so it took a long while to get the necessary energy to do it. Also on Thursday I had a super ADD-y night where I was able to start and work on stuff but it took 3 times as long as it should have because I kept getting distracted.

But this week, I planned carefully and got everything done. Saturday I did my homework for stats (due Wednesday), and Monday (very late) I did my reading and response for Love and Sex (due Tuesday night) and Tuesday I started work on my final project for stats and got to a point of done-enough so that I could get useful feedback from my professor Wednesday morning, I planned time for my Geography homework Wednesday and got it in with plenty of time, and Thursday (very late) I finished my final project (due Friday by 5pm). So the fact that I got so distracted Thursday night is not actually representative of my current mind-state with getting shit done.

I don't know why it happened, maybe it's just a thing that happens when I get in an argument (I don't do that very often; usually I disengage if it's not a productive conversation). I don't think I would have bothered except that it was with a person that Kylei likes so I thought there was hope for being listened to. Nope. That person unfriended me (I hate how facebook not only refuses to tell you who has unfriended you, they don't let any third party programs tell you either. fuck you facebook). No I don't care about your feelings when you defend use of a slur. The entitlement of thinking you deserve my politeness when you've just been hatefully rude, holy shit. Also, groaning with disgust at your rudeness is NOT disrespect, nor is paraphrasing your bullshit: it's just impolite. You're just not used to people talking back. You using slurs is fine, but me saying 'ugh' and calling your argument ridiculous is 'disrespect'? fuck that shit.

The more I think about this the angrier I get. You spent all that time trying to convince me that I was ruining the movement by being annoyed with you. Well now I'm pretty well determined not to engage with your type in a 'nice' way ever. I DON'T OWE YOU MY POLITENESS. YOU NEED TO EARN IT. And frankly it's a damn good litmus test as to your investment in ethics: if you won't correct yourself when someone tells you you're wrong in a rude way, then you wouldn't really have changed if they'd told you in a 'nice' way, you'd just have bothered to pretend. I know better and I'm not going to be convinced by your lies.
progressing

how Hannah taught me to keep compassion in my anger

A world where Hannah and I were never friends is inconceivable for me. But even more so, myself without the changes Hannah has inspired in me; most importantly, how ze taught me to keep compassion in my anger.

My earliest education in how to be angry involved yelling, throwing things, calling names, breaking things, and generally trying to hurt the person one was angry at. Through my first romantic relationship I learned how to refrain from those things, and I thought I was really good at being angry without being a jerk. But then Hannah and I had our first fight. I was very angry and I did not want to hurt Hannah, so I withdrew into coldness and silence, trying to dissolve my anger before interacting. Hannah got very upset with me about this, which baffled me. Here I was, not attacking, restraining myself, trying to avoid being mean, and it wasn't enough? what more could ze possibly want?

We talked about it for some hours, and ze tried to explain to me that one could be angry and compassionate/kind at the same time -- that ze practiced this with zir partner Nick. I didn't even believe zir at first, because in my mind anger was the opposite of love, and they could not coexist. But when I saw how upset ze was, I realized that even though I was trying very hard not to hurt zir, my methods were doing just that. So I opened myself up to the possibility that one could be angry and compassionate at the same time. I asked how ze did it, and I do not remember any more what ze responded -- but it took root, grew and became an inextricable part of me. I didn't even realize this until I found myself getting upset with people for how they treated me when they were angry. In trying to articulate why, I verbalized how it is that I try to act when I am angry.

1) hold off on getting angry; assume good intentions. Most of the time, the anger is coming from a misinterpretation of someone else's behavior; first ASK what their motives are. Don't jump straight from "they did this" to "and that means BAD THINGS." Take a pause in the middle and ask. In my experience, the vast majority of the time people are not trying to hurt me. Most of the time they are missing some key information or understanding that would have prevented my upsetness.

2) treat them as a whole person; don't turn them into a cardboard cut-out labeled "enemy." Don't ignore or discount the good, even if they have been a total shithead for the past day and a half. Remind yourself of previous kindnesses, things that contradict the statement their actions seem to be making to you.

3) listen and empathize. Being understanding of their reasons does not invalidate your own pain. I used to refuse to empathize because I thought if I did, the other person would take that as proof that my suffering wasn't really that bad, or would ignore my suffering because they hurt too. But through practice I learned that it is possible to give compassion AND receive it in a situation of hurt on both sides.

4) don't disconnect. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to stay emotionally connected to someone who is hurting you, but it's a hell of a lot easier to rebuild afterward if you haven't severed bonds. I can understand when people do this because it is instinctual, but I believe it is the more damaging route. For me, at least, it definitely is.

I can't even imagine myself without these practices. Not that I'm always true to them; sometimes I need to be called out on my turning-people-into-cutouts, for sure -- but I do usually manage to follow #1 and avoid anger all together. But they are so much a part of my personhood that without them, I cannot conceive of the kind of person I would be.
gender is a lie

dating Arizona again / sexist professor / discussing poly&queer w/ biosib S / bluntness not caution!

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. Collapse )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.
snarling

I kept all of our vows, ze broke ALL of them! dishonorable and full of lies

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heh, oh how appropriate the music I chose. Some part of me fucking knew and did it anyway. wow. I feel comforted by that. Me and my brave-or-masochistic heart.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed