Tags: chip


important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:

2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

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the crazy happenings of the past 11 days -- relationships and Dreaming

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

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dream (Chip sells RV, little boy runs pulling me by hand, bioparent's GA house's backyard)

I had a really unsettling dream last night, which I can't remember much of because my alarm woke me up at a key point and scrambled it all. I remember it was something about Arizona and Chip (and, to a lesser amount, the rest of the family) and camping -- I think Chip was selling zir RV? (which ze doesn't have in real life) Then there was something about two little boys, one I was caring for and one who was leading me somewhere by the hand, running so fast uphill that I almost fell on my face and had to urge zir to slow down (and for some reason the sex of the kid pulling me seems significant). The setting seemed familiar -- I think it was the backyard of my bioparent's Georgia house (and now I'm remembering something about my old room in the basement). Confusing. And it set off some strange urge in me -- closest thing I can compare it to is the desire to run. Not away, but not to either. I've been feeling restless and unsettled and a little worried all day. And missing my bioparent P, which is VERY strange (also missing lil sis but that's normal).
semi aitiaidi colour roc

growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust

I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

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Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW Collapse )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.
heart in my throat

Anita and Chip -- love and dreams and violet-spirit connecting

This is all so hard to put into words -- partly just inherently and partly because it's all so intense for me that when I think about it my brain just wants to reel and say wow instead of sketching. But I want to remember as clearly as I can and I need words for that.

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Serendipity family / Chip & tarot / talking with Christa / spirit connection with Anita! / chakras

Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

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Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥

job quitting and new job training / plans w Wade / Ben & Anita & Green & Chip & Christa energy flow

I'm in a weird state at the moment. Collapse )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.