Tags: fasting


communication fast for spiritual birthday -- 11th through 13th

My 10th spiritual birthday is on Thursday (11/13/08) -- on a full moon! (my spiritual birthday is the anniversary of the day when I dedicated myself to learning of spirit) As a celebration/honoring, I am going to be fasting from communication from the 11th (midnight tonight) through the 13th (until I wake on the 14th). No phone, no email, no reading of LJ, no media-watching, and possibly (on the 13th itself) no talking. I'll spend my time reading, praying, meditating, creating, writing (though I won't post anything until afterward because I wouldn't be able to resist reading comments), working on photos, and hopefully visiting the Big Trees Forest Preserve on the 13th.

If any of my spiritually-minded friends have suggestions for things I might do (rituals / exercises / sacred creations) do please share them! before midnight tonight ;-) Also, if anyone has anything they would like prayer/positive energy/kind thoughts for, please comment here -- be as specific or vague as you'd like. (those comments will stay screened).

I'm excited and a little nervous. I haven't spent time away from both LJ AND people in a very very very long time. Wish me a fertile silence!

full moon / wonderful day with Kimmi / DISC personalities

Full moon days are always awesome for me: today was no exception. I had such a wonderfully fun day!

Kim, a woman from my church, took me out for the day, just to hang out. We went to lunch (at a place where they graciously pureed our soups for us) and talked for four hours straight -- and we've never had a conversation before. It was awesome... we talked about counseling (she's just now starting sessions with Richard and Virginia) and Costa Rica and how we both want to learn to speak Spanish and how our marriages are going (her marriage is only a little older than mine) and how we were raised and what our relationships with God are like.... and I told her about the first time I heard from God. I was writing a "letter" to him in my journal, asking questions -- and I heard the answers and wrote them down as I went along -- and those answers I haven't really wavered in faith about. They were so clear, 'cause when I'm writing my spirit is open, I can sense things better, and my mind is focused, so it doesn't get all fuzzy and doubtful. When I was telling her this, I realized that, as usual, I had gotten impatient with the method that really works for me, and had tried to just hear, 'like other people do,' and had stopped talkin' to him with my journal. I decided that I really should start scribble-to-God journaling again.

She was very excited about that idea, so when we left she drove us over to Barnes and Noble to buy a journal, and insisted on buying one for me too -- she wanted to buy me two! -- and ended up buying one for me and three for herself. I told her I have two partially-filled journals at home already, but she said she wanted us to do this together. ;-)

From there we went to Java & Juice Smoothie and both ordered peanut butter smoothies, which we tucked into her purse to sneak into the theatre -- where we saw "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" 'cause she likes Angelina Jolie too. That movie wasn't as bad as I had expected; it was quite engrossing in parts, once you accepted the idea of futuristic science set in the 50s. (I think it was the 50s... I'm not that great at dating styles) Angelina has a bit part, barely five full minutes of screen time, but in watching Gweneth Paltrow act I discovered that she's pretty good -- you have to be to portray a character of any depth in a movie with so much suspension of logic. And I don't know what his name is, but the guy who plays Dex is an awesome actor. I really like him.

Anyway, we had so much fun... we're so different though. I'm a short, pale, curvy Georgian; she's a tallish, black, slender New Yorkan... and she's about eighteen years older than I am. Yet we click. I just love her personality; besides her generosity (she paid for everything the whole day) she's just so excitable! I love it when I can talk about something that I love and the listener gets excited for my sake, even when it has nothing to do with them.


I'm constantly tempted to use personality abbreviations, so let me explain them so I can start using them.

D -- extrovert, task-oriented; they're great leaders, but tend to be controlling; determined, blunt, bossy, courageous, hard-working; pragmatic to the point of being emotionless. Not very creative; if it isn't productive in terms of their primary goal, why do it? D's are extremely hard to influence, because they see themselves as having it all together.
I -- extrovert, people-oriented; excitable, happy, optimistic, emotional, loving, tend to be sloppy; hard-working but with a short attention span. Very creative, in a loosely styled way; abstract painting, for instance. I's don't like structure; it's more fun to color all over the paper than just inside the lines. I's are easily swayed by popular opinion, because they care what everybody thinks.
S -- introvert, people-oriented; calm, quiet, patient, loyal, supportive, tend to be lazy; slow to get moving, but has more endurance once started. Not all that creative; likes to follow the norm, and do whatever is popular at the moment. S's are easily swayed, but only by the opinions of those they respect.
C -- introvert, task-oriented; perfectionist, cautious, intense (often obsessive), likes to be alone; driven; tends to be critical of those who aren't as careful and perfect; the most dedicated worker of all personalities. Very creative, in a structured way; creating computer programs, for instance. C's are not easy to influence; only those who seem to have a more perfect, hard-working life than their own can sway them.

I'm a DICs. My D, I, and C are pretty much tied, but my D and C tend to overwhelm my I. It's still there though!

So anyway, Kimmi is an I, with a little D and a little S thrown in, not much C. I's are so much fun to be around; I find them invigorating and encouraging. I'm delighted to add another I to my list of cool people.

wonderful day / Ty, my 40dayFast partner / spiritual connections / before conception

Sunday was wonderful! Yes, I had a very good day! Yay!

I woke up late, was cuddled by Ben, made myself a perfect smoothie (I am the Smoothie Queen, yo), went to the library and spent 15 minutes on the internet (and got an email from Kaylene!), went to church early for intercession, then went to the service where Pastor John's little blonde wife spoke (she's cute and funny), picked up some ice on the way home ('cause I forgot to refill the ice trays AGAIN), made a giant frappuchino to share with Ben (I'm also the Frappachino Queen -- the ones I make are a cross between a frosty and a starbucks frapp), made a blended, tobasco'ed veggie-brunswick-stew for heating up at hungry times (and it was so yummy! It looked gross, so I didn't have my hopes up, but it was delicious), and took a long shower with Ben... but that was it, 'cause we have to wait a week for the birth control to kick in since we got it late.

Oh yeah, and at church I met my prayer partner for the fast, Ty, who seems very awesome. At first I didn't think she was attractive, but after we started talking I noticed her eyes and her lips -- she's beautiful, but she was wearing lipstick that made her mouth blend with her face, so I didn't notice at first. She has this intensity about her that intrigued me, but I'm afraid I came across as bland, distracted person.... I was spiritually exhausted from this week, and just didn't react to her like I would have if I was being my normal self. I have a feeling that that quality was quite apparent to people -- Opal, a lady who I've spoken with once, sat down with me and asked me what was going on. (she's very spiritually sensitive anyway, I've begun to really admire her) I told her my faith struggles and how it was difficult since I didn't really know anyone who had gotten past this, and she invited me to her group. I forget exactly what she said, but she definitely got the impression to me that she had been in my situation and has learned the secret. I'll be going to her group when I can. Anyway, back to Ty. We talked just a little -- she asked me if I had any specific prayer request, and when I told her, she said that her faith had been struggling too. We prayed briefly together (I got a strong feeling of spiritual kinship -- I didn't realize that you can learn so much about a person from praying with them. I suppose it shows up best with strangers) and decided that since she was going to be out of town for the week and I'm uncontactable, we'll both just pray at 8:00 every night, so we'll be sort of praying together. She looked me in the eyes and told me to call her anytime (she gave me her cell #); I said okay; she said, "I mean it, call me anytime." When I left, I looked back; she was looking at me, and waved and said bye; I was surprised that she seemed so interested. If I had met a stranger, there's not much chance I'd watch her walk out the door when a friend of mine was standing near waiting to talk to me. But she seemed intrigued.

I have a strong feeling that I recognize her... yet she's not someone I'd have ever deliberately befriended. If I had met her earlier in my life, I'd have probably disliked her just because her confidence made me aware of my own insecurity. But my own confidence and assertive personality is much stronger than it used to be, and rather than being afraid of strong people, I now enjoy their company. That was a delightful realization.

The way our spirits connected when we looked each other in the eyes was something I've only rarely experienced, and never with a girl. When I lived in Gainesville, I met a guy named Michael who worked at the Penny University, a coffeeshop down the street from my job. Collapse )


I believe that before we were born, we were spirits in heaven, and formed friendships there. I also believe that we, along with God, decided on the major events that were going to happen in our lives, and we all chose to come here to learn from those events. (this would explain deja-vu; we knew before we knew) At birth we forget all those things, but sometimes our spirit-friendship is strong enough to allow us to recognize the spirit inside a person. Our spirits, unfortunately, are often so numbed by what we use to hide the unhealed wounds in our lives that we don't recognize the path we are to take or the people we are to love. There quite a few verses (jer 1:5, for instance) that support the idea that we were with God before we were born; still, this is my own personal take on things, not necessarily pure truth.

tattered faith

I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.

update on the 40-day fast

Well, my cravings for crunchiness have stopped (or at least hidden away for a while) but I keep dreaming that I forget I'm fasting and eat chips. Then I freak out about it -- but not enough to wake me up. So when I do finally wake up, I wonder if it was a dream or a memory until I recall the circumstances.

And a good thing is this: I've been actually reading the Word (and finding some interesting stuff); it helps me that I know a bunch of other people are reading. I don't know why. And I'm looking forward to posting a rant that I have bubbling in my mind... God agrees with me, so there! Just kidding. I may of course be wrong: but until I see a logical counter-argument I shall believe that I am right.

The bad thing is this: my faith feels like it's simultaneously powerful and nonexistant. I wish I had someone to show me the way... but I seem to be trekking through uncharted territory. Most christians seem content to accept other people's answers, but no, I have to find my own... and I feel like I need some proof, some very personal proof; something my mind CANNOT doubt! And I wonder, do most christians push these thoughts away, or do they not have them, or is there an answer to this that I'm missing? I hope that there is an answer, and whether other people have found it or not, I'm gonna! I want something beyond the spiritual -- I have plenty of spiritual proof -- I want something physical, to convince my mind that my spirit isn't just plain lying.
I cried and cried and cried at night -- and Ben had just worked a 14.5 hour day, and was too exhausted to be much comfort. I read my Bible ('cause of course I put it off until the last moment) and the feeling subsided, but it's still there.

Maybe a prayer partner would help -- if I can get in touch with one.

random recent stuff -- bitterness over Paula, talking with Mark

Sylvia broke down friday... but Sheridan is working for right now, and will continue working at least until we get Sylvia completely checked out (I think it's merely that the spark plugs are dirty, 'cause 2 people have suggested that, and the area where the spark plugs are is dirty. But we'll find out, I trust these people). I miss my car so much... Yeah, I'm attached to my car... and she needs a bath. And I need to replace the band stickers on the back, which means I have to make some.

I've been seriously considering buying more icons.

I talked to my dad on friday. He complained that I have not comforted the family. I told him that I'm not their parent and that's not my job; I've offered the help I have in the form of advice. Had my mind been working quickly enough I would have told him that it was their job to comfort me, and they'd been doing a damn lousy job the past 21 years -- no, make that 17 years, they did a decent job the first four, as far as I can remember. .......He wants me to tell him that he did the right thing, that it's all okay and he can just sweep it back under the rug and forget about it, that he doesn't need to stress. But guess what? He did the wrong thing, very wrong, and I'm sick of listening to him try to justify it, it isn't okay, and he can't sweep it under the rug. It is true that he doesn't need to stress about it, but he doesn't listen when I tell him that. He told me he was feeling suicidal for a while -- I'd care, but I don't think he's quite that irresponsible, and hopefully I've cast enough doubt that I'll step into his shoes for him not to rely on me to do his job. I'm NOT going to go back into the role of taking care of two adults and their two children. No matter how much guilt he tries to lay on me. He ought to be trying to find out how I feel and offer me support, not whine about how I'm not being supportive. This is ridiculous.

I've been making tons of double-pair earrings -- on Wednesday I can start wearing them! Yay!

And yeah, Helen was in the delivery room when Risa was born. So was June, who Paula said she didn't want in the room. And Katrina, who Paula doesn't like, knew about the birth and held Risa before I did. Me? Oh, I'm just the bitter little white girl. Unfortunately, I have been bitter about it, but I can't confront Paula because of her unstable blood pressure and the baby... so I feel trapped. And bitter. And angry. And betrayed. And lied to.
I want to say, "Paula, I don't know why the truth is such an expensive commodity for you, but you'd think that after all the honesty I've given you you could spare a little change for me. Nope. You deceived me into thinking that I was welcome and appreciated, and then deliberately cut me out of the fourth most significant event in your life, while allowing people with whom you have mutual apathy to have that place. If you put people you don't really like above me, then all the times you said 'I love you' must be worthless lies. You don't put people you don't like above people you love. You played nice and used me, then cast me aside when you were done."

I still don't have a prayer/bible study partner for the fast -- hopefully I'll find one at church tonight. A miraculously not-distractable non-procrastinator who still doesn't have a partner, hah hah. I've been doing well though -- reading the bible has been interesting lately. I've been finding verses that speak to me, and even more fun, finding verses that seem to confirm a new theory of mine. (I'll post about that when I have it a bit more developed)

40 day liquid-only fast --- Day 1

Pastor John called for a 40-day fast for himself and whoever would join him, and I felt God calling me to do it -- so I've been planning on this since January. This morning I woke up and all I could think about was all the foods I can't eat for 40 days -- in particular, chips and salsa. That's my favorite food, and for once we actually have some tortilla chips sitting in the pantry. *pout*

But I got up and drank some spicy V8, and the mental whining stopped.

During these 40 days I'm going to be doing a lot of praying... I haven't yet made my list (got distracted with Kristy) but I expect an awesome change in myself and some of my friends' lives. If any of you have requests, just comment with them or add them to this poll that only I can read:
Poll #346874 prayer requests

scribble here:

About 450 (1/4th of the church) are also fasting and praying, for our church, our country, and our own lives... this is going to be powerful.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
  • Tags