Tags: kristy

mysterious

Kristy visits -- thrift-shopping & movie-watching / Playing By Heart

Kristy came up for a few days -- and promptly took off with Rebecca and elya to North Carolina. But it didn't really bother me because I have adjusted my expectations. I had no idea the power you have over your own emotions. If you accept people as they are and don't expect more of them than they are likely to give, you're a lot happier and more free. I'm not pleased that she keeps me at a distance and seems to want me around just to adore her -- but you know what, there is nothing I can do about that, so I'm accepting it. I just had to realize that at this point in time, she does not want to be realfriends. And I am not responsible for her choices and the fact that she is really missing out by choosing not to be realfriends with me.

So we had casual fun on the day that she was originally planning to leave. She told me that when she heard that I was going out with the girls, she decided to stay an extra day, which I took with a grain of salt because she always tends to stay later than she plans to. But it flattered me all the same.

We went thrift-shopping, which resulted in three new shirts and two new dresses for a total of $17. ;-) Oh, and Miss K was so sweet -- she gave each of us $20, which meant my stuff was actually all a gift! And she took us all out to lunch, which was fabulously yummy.

Then Rebecca and Kristy and I went back to my flat to play with Kanika, and after a bit I decided that I absolutely had to wash my hair right then, so I told them they could leave if they were bored and I set up the bathroom (I have to have candles and music for washing my hair). Kristy offered to help me wash my hair, which I thought was so incredibly sweet, and so they both stayed in the bathroom with me while I washed my hair, and Kristy massaged my scalp for me. I wish Rebecca and I were that comfortable with each other when Kristy's not around. Kristy is the one person that I am never uncomfortable around -- 'cause I know that I can't shock her! And she seems to have a relaxing(?) effect on Rebecca.

Later Kristy and elya and I went to Kroger ('cause Publix was closed, otherwise I'd have pitched a hissy fit) and bought ice cream, and then we came back and watched movies. Guess what my suggestion was. "Playing By Heart," of course. I knew Kristy would love it, but I still don't really know what Rebecca and elya thought. I was scared to ask because I hate the idea that maybe they didn't like it. Kristy and I cuddled on the loveseat and I petted her hair for almost the whole movie. Seeing the character Joan smile in that movie makes me smile, it actually makes me happy. I can't help it.

Oh. And then Kristy and elya put on a country line dancing video and actually started learning the dances! It was hilarious. I thought elya was kidding when she pulled out the video, but no, she really rented it, she didn't find it at a garage sale for a quarter. After they wore out their craziness, we watched "Don Juan Demarco" which I found rather dull and silly, but Kristy actually petted my hair some while we watched it, so that made it worth it. That was another expectation thing -- rather than expecting her to offer, I asked, and I felt no compunction about it.
shimmering

talk with Rebecca / loving Kristy anyway

I was very upset over the whole Kristy-not-treating-me-like-family thing, so I called Rebecca and asked if I could talk to her privately. She came over immediately, which really meant a lot to me. She listened to me pour my angry hurting heart out, and was pretty supportive... and she confirmed the idea I had had that Kristy was the one who made the decision for me to be excluded (Rebecca had even spoken up for me, which comforted me a bit). I can understand why Kristy doesn't want to be around me -- but that doesn't make it bother me less. Knowing that Rebecca didn't think Kristy did the right thing made me hurt a lot less though.

I went over there and watched 'Hitch' as invited -- and rubbed Kristy's back, petted her hair, and held her hand throughout the movie. She's a physical touch person like I am, so I know she appreciated it, even though she didn't really show it. I don't know why I started loving on her -- I didn't go over there with that intent -- but I felt the urge to and did. I think probably God was leading me.
pain

Kristy visits / skinnydipping! / restoration class #1

Kristy was in town for a few days... Tuesday night we went skinnydipping, which was fun but would have been heavenly if it hadn't been for the fact that I was Unhappy with her. I don't really want to go into it, but basically I wasn't happy because she didn't treat me like family and she wouldn't be real (and I didn't even try to coax her, so no fault to me). I love her but I just can't connect with someone who has their heart locked in an iron box, and if I can't connect, what is the point? I had to fight with myself to even go skinnydipping with her, and that is one of my top four favorite things to do.

But yes, the skinnydipping was fun anyway. Rebecca kept her swimsuit on, but that's to be expected (silly modest girl). It was about 10:00, I think, so it was dark but not very, and we were swimming in the neighborhood pool (it's a lot more fun to skinnydip in a private pool, because then you don't have to worry about getting arrested). But oh, the feeling of freedom! There's nothing like it. If I had my own pool, I'd be so fit, because I'd do swim for at least an hour every night. *sigh*

Maybe I'll be able to convince Rebecca to go with me a couple more times this summer.

--------

I went to the first class in the restoration series (a group counseling thing for sexual abuse survivors), and I had a reaction that I totally didn't expect. I always look forward to my counseling sessions, but when I got to the class, I didn't want to be there at ALL. I felt raw and angry and confused. I wanted to go smash stuff to bits while screaming my head off. After the speaker finished, I just sat there (because our small groups won't be meeting until next week) and stewed. I felt rather nauseated and overwhelmed... so many emotions that I totally wasn't prepared for. They gave us a survey so that they could sort us into groups that have common ground, and when I was finished with the survey I just started writing, just pouring my feeling onto paper. Wonder what they'll think of that. Afterwards I went up to Patricia, who hugged me and asked me what I thought... and I talked to her a bit and suddenly got overwhelmed and started crying, hurting and not knowing why. So she prayed with me and I asked God why, and he showed me that I was hurting with loneliness -- that with my usual counseling it feels like we are working together for my healing, but in this setting it feels like I'm fighting a huge battle alone.

Patricia prayed with me... and then she felt led to give me a mother's blessing, and asked if she could, I stalled and she just hugged me and started blessing me. Unfortunately I wasn't paying attention, because my brain was still overwhelmed and I wasn't sure how I felt about that anyway... bah. I was very confused. But it soothed my spirit at least, I felt peace afterwards.
passionate

Kristy not going to counseling anymore

I called Kristy, talked to her for a little bit... she sounded depressed, the moment she answered I wanted to hold her. She asked me if I was still in counseling and I said yes, and then asked her if she was -- she said no, that she had switched counselors because the first one got flirty with her and the second one she just plain didn't like, so she quit going. Then she said, "But it's okay, I'm fine," and I laughed and said, "Yeah right" -- she protested and I said, "C'mon girl, don't lie to me" and she said, "No really, I'm happy (with a question mark hidden in that word 'happy')..." and I realized she was serious. Not truthful, but quite serious. And I felt like an ass for being so blunt.

She got off of the phone shortly afterward and now I'm a little worried that I may have hurt her.

I know she's not healed, but it of course isn't my job to strip away her protective lies, and I didn't even intend to... I just hope I haven't hurt her too badly.
antagonistic

kristy&kristen photos / pain at being left out of the family I married into

At about 11:30 tonight, I went to say goodbye to Kristy and as usual we had hilarity with the camera (Rebecca was our photographer and she kept laughing too hard to take the photos). I'll share 3:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usFree Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usFree Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us
Isn't she just 'dorable? That last one is the product of an in-joke, 'cause elya, R, and Kristy always tease me about being a walking encyclopedia, and Kristy jokes about herself being dumb (she isn't, but it makes for good jokes).


--------

And now for a 180-degree change in tone...
Earlier, all the girls in the family (except me, 'cause I'm not family of course!) went to the Botanical Gardens to see a GLASS SCULPTURE exhibit... and it was the last day the exhibit was open... What a slap in the face. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. Seriously, they couldn't have found a better way to hurt me if they tried! I'm crazy about glass, and when Kristy's mom mentioned it the other day I expressed my enthusiasm -- loudly. And I know for a fact that if Miss K's brother had been in town, they'd have invited his wife, whom they barely know, just because "she's family." But not me, probably because they think Kristy would pay more attention to me than them. So? She has a right to! And I've known this family for 12 years now, been very close to them for the past 7... you'd think they'd invite me just because they like me, not to mention that they're my in-laws!

I'm hoping that SOMEBODY suggested that they invite me... 'cause Rebecca, elya, and Kristy all went... and dammit, what do I have to do to be considered part of the family? Have all my blood replaced with donations from each of them?

I was so incredibly hurt and furious... I intend to confront Miss K (alone) about it tomorrow.
ADD-PI

wierd day / Rebecca and Kristy

Today was very strange... I woke up early and called Kristy, wanting to plan something for this morning, and discovered that Rebecca was planning on doing stuff with her this morning (despite the fact that she had Kristy to herself for the whole evening, the best part of the day), which made me so furious I screamed. After I said goodbye and hung up, of course.

But anyway, Rebecca graciously invited me along (and you know it was my fault for not daring to spout off about how I wanted that alone time with Kristy) so the three of us went to Kohls (so R could spend a gift certificate (why else would anyone shop there? expensive and mostly boring -- not my taste)) and to lunch at Gondoliers (where Rebecca surprised us by paying for our lunches) and then we stopped by the Coffeehouse and R's work (she makes stained glass overlay). By then end of that I was getting very impatient, though it occurred to me that three years ago that outing would have been the highlight of my month. Shows how picky or privileged I've gotten.

Finally, Rebecca dropped Kristy and I at my flat, and we sat on the couch and started talking... she asked how married life was, and I said that it was both wonderful and not so. She was shocked that I wasn't more excited about all the sex, and then the conversation went down the same path that seemingly all of my conversations go down nowadays. (I hate that.) So we talked about rape and I felt stupid, because she's had like five months of therapy and she has no more triggers or nightmares... And she talked to me about faith, and she's just so full of hope, telling me that God has plans for everything... basically giving me the exact same speech I gave her in September. In that amount of time, we've nearly reversed. I know she's not totally healed, but she just seems so much stronger and more mature than me, and that freaked me out a bit.

And yet she's changed so much -- or maybe she hasn't and I just always misread her, but I seriously doubt it. She's been so distant the past two days -- and sometimes I can look in her eyes and see her spirit trying to break out, but it never quite does. She doesn't cry, she doesn't get really happy, she doesn't react -- she's closed off, and that is soooo anti-kristy that it leaves me completely at a loss. I'm tempted to try to hurt her just to make her say 'ow!' (I never would, but I'm really tempted!). She's not even very touchy, which is REALLY confusing, because she's the most physical-touch person I've ever met! She hasn't instigated a hug once this visit! Not even a hug, and she's usually all about the petting hair and stuff.... I'm honestly not upset with her about it (though I admit to being disappointed), but I'm really confused, because something must be eating at her for her to act this way, and I can't figure out what. Maybe she feels insecure around me for whatever reason... I have no clue.

I know she loves me though, even though she hasn't shown it in any way except words. She told me that last night when she was out with her 'date' she couldn't stop thinking about me, because she knew I was upset when she left. She told me also that she loves the fact that I call her my heart-sister. She wants us to get matching heart tattoos, which she told me thinking that I'd laugh at the idea, but actually I love it. (It'd have to be a really awesome design shaped like a heart, something kinda tribal-ish, not a dull solid shape.) When Ben got home she told him about it and he was sure we were kidding, because hearts are so girly and cliche -- and if it weren't for the fact that they'd mean something there's no way I'd want them. But for my heart-sister, anything.

Most of the time we spent at my house, I so wanted her to leave. I didn't feel like she was connecting with me at all, and I wanted to just say, "y'know, I give up. I can't figure out anything, I can't fix myself, I feel hopeless, and there's nothing you can do to help. All we're accomplishing is frustrating me and depressing you." And I pretty much told her that but she refused to leave... and I'm glad she stayed, though I'm not sure if it made a significant impact on me or not, 'cause it reminded me of how I used to be. I'd do something even when I didn't give a flying flip emotionally, just because I knew logically that it was the right decision.

I don't know. I love her and I love being around her, but I feel like she's emotionally unavailable... like she's trying so hard to drum up some enthusiasm, but just can't.
beautiful

trusting Kaylene and others

describe me to a stranger if you haven't yet!


I decided about a year ago to invest trust in people without testing them for a long while first. Out of that decision came my relationship with Kaylene, which some may say wasn't worth it, since she disappeared from my life not long after we began our friendship. But it was the bravest thing I've done, and I learned so much about myself from it. I was a bit hurt when she decided that being that close was too scary and she backed off, but I actually didn't get offended -- 'cause I remember what it's like to not be able to trust. I healed very quickly, and now I simply look forward to when we are close again. I believe it will happen before I have kids, and they'll grow up calling her "Aunt Kaylene." ;-) She's such a brave, intense, loving spirit, and being sisters for three months was worth all the missing her afterwards. Though it was short, it was the most intimate friendship I've ever had. There was nothing hidden between us.

I must also mention my jedibubbles and Kristy -- but they live in FL and I rarely get to have contact with them. Del and I have committed to a lifelong friendship, and hopefully she can grow to trust me as much as I trust her -- but that will be a long road, because she's trusted too many people who proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Kristy and I have been in contact less than 30 times, but we have a bond that is so powerful that anytime we get together we can spill our souls fearlessly, without any awkwardness -- BOTH of us (usually it's just me that's so open)! We only recently hit the same level of maturity (she's a lot younger so she had some catching up to do) so our friendship is just starting to take off.

----------------------------------------------

Trust, and the honesty that comes out of it, is hard to find. I no longer have a hard time trusting, but unfortunately most people do... and that hurts. I know that I'd give nearly anything to help those I've chosen to love, but they have a hard time believing that I love them unconditionally, forever, for the sole reason that their spirits are beautiful to me. I suppose that makes sense -- not many people have learned the wild rollercoaster passion of giving your heart completely. I'm grateful to have learned it.
teasing

kristy and I are so alike...

Kristy was visiting Aunt Betty most of the day, but when she came back we (Kristy, myself, elya, Tony, Alex, and Sadie) played loaded questions, which was so much fun! And Tony and Alex (Kristy's brothers) kept getting Kristy's and my answers mistaken for each others'... even her brothers can't tell our brains apart. ;-) She commented on how how well I knew her and how well she knew me. At one point she was spinning this tray on the table, which annoyed me, so I moved it out of her reach. She was amused that I actually took action, which pleases me 'cause it means that she likes it that I am a direct, take-action type of personality.

And Kristy's favorite color is purple!!! I was so delighted -- I happen to believe that a person's favorite color says much about who they are. If you are new to my journal, take the colors poll and I'll tell you what it says about you.

Then we took more pictures and giggled like crazy -- I brought them to post but the CD I saved them on won't work, so I'll have to try later.

Kristy and I are ♥-sisters!