Tags: nick


characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated for the first time in 4 years!)

If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

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being around similar spirits makes me more me / intuition-link with Anita / "what are you thinking?"

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Ooooh, and last week when I was at the borderpagans meeting (and then at dinner afterward) I kept having that chill-down-my-spine shiver -- like 7 times in three hours! I felt like there must be something odd energetically going on (because I do occasionally have that shiver but never more than two in a day) and when I asked Anita what ze was doing at that time, ze told me ze was reading my LJ and responding to my survey. hee. I can't remember how long it took for Hannah and I to link up to the point where we could feel each other's strong emotions (even across the ocean) but this feels like the start of that. Everything has been so insanely intense so far and I'm trying not to let my excitement pull me faster than I can process the experience. Just... wow.

Also I love that instead of getting annoyed with my constant "what are you thinking/feeling?" questions, Anita has started doing the same thing, hee. (that's a thing I do with anyone interesting, and the more interesting you are the more often you get asked to share your thoughts. It's my way of getting to know you and honing my understanding of your expressions/moods :D) Although ze gets entirely too much enjoyment out of playing on my curiosity and refusing to tell me perfectly simple things just to torture me :-p AND making "thinky" faces just to prompt me to ask and then laughing at me! :-[

And something random-and-totally-awesome? Both Wade and Anita have blue-hazel eyes! I don't know how rare they are in actuality but I've met only a scant handful of us blue-hazeled people, so we seem rare to me :D and it's so fun to watch the colors shift!

characters in the story of my life: present and past

These are the characters in the story of my life:
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the nourishment of 2008 has healed & helped me so much w/ spending time with people, overcoming fear

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

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After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.
tree joy

spiritual growth / The Secret Life of Plants / connections with trees in Scotland / photos

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. Collapse ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.

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dreams (epic fae dream - flying, portals, anti-plastic, sex / gross poo dream)

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

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violet-spirit connection w Hannah and Nick / day of immense joy as a triad / brokenhearted breakup

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

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I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
woven souls

violet hair / tidbits about my visit to Hannah and Nick!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

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Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated at last!)

These are the characters in the story of my life:

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bel hearts hannah

Hannah and I are communicating again

I have news.
big news.
very big news.

HUGE news.

Hannah and I are communicating again.

I'm still in shock really. We'd been on friendly terms since the breakup, but there was this huge wall of pain between us, and we didn't communicate in real time at all. Then a few days ago I just happened to sign in (after a long period of being anti-IM), saw Nick online, and poked him and told him to tell Hannah I love her. She was with him and responded, and we just started talking. It just flowed. Since then we've had two 4+ hour conversations and it's surreal and amazing and... wow. I haven't really processed it, so you'll probably see more on that later.

Even more amazing and insane? I'm going to visit her in a few months (depending on our tax return, positive thoughts/prayers for gazillions of money!) in Scotland! And I'm going to meet Kate, and visit Belgium, and meet Meliae! Holy crap. I've never been out of the country before (just got my passport application eek) so it is VERY SCARY and so exciting. Not to mention that we have... this... unsettledness between us. But whatever changes our friendship goes through, this will be a growing experience. I feel sure that it can't be as bad as the last visit, which was survivable and had amazing sparks of magic amongst all the thorns. Both of us are in a better place now. Plus, Nick will be there, and the energy between the three of us is just incredible.

And, this is the year of risk-taking.