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birthdays / hurting, feeling forgotten and unloved

Birthdays are really, really important to me. I feel like they're the day when people say "Your birth and how it led to you in my life is a cause for celebration!" I write down people's birthdays on my calendar and get reminders sent to me with birthdayalarm, and even if I don't say anything, I always think of the person on their birthday and feel grateful for them. I used to make posts specifically about birthdays but I stopped doing it because every now and then I would miss someone's birthday and then worry that they felt they were unimportant to me. But I do want to try harder to actually SAY something instead of just thinking it because I get really hurt when people don't say anything to me or treat my birthday as special.

Yesterday was the worst one I can remember. Collapse )


today my horoscope says "Your love life is heating up with the help of a friend who is either playing match-maker, or who has more than just a friendly interest in you."

'Fess up! Who is it? *wriggles eyebrows* *screens comments* >:-D

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My heart feels so bruised. I was talking to a friend today about how depressed I am right now, and she mentioned that usually I find a way to climb out, so I started listing all the ways in which I have tried... the thing is, right now I have reason to be depressed. It's not hormonal, it's not a stagnation-depression -- it's a result of connections failing or growing distant, over and over. I opened my heart to some people and loved them so deeply that it really stretched my heart, and now that they aren't such a part of my life, my heart feels this aching emptiness. I am so lonely. I crave connection, and keep trying to add new connections to fill the emptiness, but it doesn't work of course because none of these new connections are soulfriendships; they're just not that intimate.

And I have no one to touch. If you're not as much of a touchy person as I am, I don't think you can understand the desperate yearning I have for loving touch. I'd easily give up ten years of my life in exchange for five years of living with a cuddly person. I crave it! And Ben is not only not cuddly, he feels claustrophobic if we cuddle too long, and we can't kiss for more then a second unless it's part of sex. His asthma acts up and he gets wheezy (I guess the hormones override it when it's more than romantic). I always thought he just didn't like kissing, which I thought was sad but something he'd eventually change his mind on -- having a negative physical reaction makes it seem so much more of an obstacle. I feel cut off from him. And my cat is the most uncuddly cat in the history of me, so no loving touch there.

On top of everything, I feel like every moment I spend feeling like this, I'm wrecking myself. I feel like I've lost so much of my self-respect and self-love -- in such a short time I feel like I've gone from thinking "I am an amazing person; anyone would be lucky to be friends with me," to thinking "I'm absolutely worthless; no wonder I keep losing everyone." I haven't felt this nasty helpless hopelessness in such a long time. I was at the point where I really believed in myself and I didn't think I'd ever fall in hate with myself again. I forgot self-hate... I forgot how it felt to want to dig my fingers into my chest and rip myself in half, to want to snatch my heart out and stomp it to bits. I forgot how it felt to be angry at everything all the time because I feel unworthy of life... to cry and beg for death. To not be able to see any light in the future. How did I get lost so quickly, so utterly? I feel like there's so much beauty and so much love, but not for me and I don't know why.

I am so so so lonely. I'm beyond the reach of casual kindness... I feel like it will take a miraculous amount of love to reach me. "I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face."

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the end of my soulfriendship with Hannah

Some of you have probably figured out by now that my soulfriendship with Hannah is over. To put this into everyday terms, it is as devastating as divorce, because what we had was essentially a platonic marriage/partnership (you can read an outdated explanation of soulfriendship here).

I really don't know how to handle this. I feel like I'm in shock, even though it didn't happen suddenly at all. The relationship slowly died over the past year... I can't pinpoint where it stopped being a soulfriendship because I do believe that soulfriendship is supposed to weather times of distance and hardship -- but one person can't hold it up forever. Collapse )

When I became soulfriends with Hannah and experienced the full intensity of our spirit-connection, it was like I had discovered that faeries really do exist. I had a constant reminder -- a fae sitting on my shoulder, often singing or flitting about doing fae-like glittery things. But ze stopped singing so gradually I didn't notice, and slowly became more and more transparent until ze no longer existed. Now I wonder, was the fae (our spirit-connection) just in my imagination? I felt like I had PROOF that spirit connections existed, that magic was alive in the world, that people could create amazing intimate permanent relationships without the glue of sex or legality or even proximity. But now the faery is not here, and even hir glitter is gone. I can't even pull up the memory of that magic. And now I feel it is even harder to believe in spirit connections here on this earth, because I apparently can easily trick myself. (just to clarify, the faery is a metaphor for the connection between Hannah and I, not for either of our spirits)

Without my faith in spirit connection on earth, I feel like my life has lost its meaning. Right now I'm only here because Ben needs me -- he loves me, but that's not why I'm here. If he had someone else he could count on... He and I don't have a spirit connection; we are not alike at all. We have other things, but not that.

I don't want to live in a world where all the love I have to give isn't enough. I don't want to live in a world where I'm the only one who believes. I don't want to live in a world where the people I feel the deepest connections to don't believe in me or want to share their lives with me. I don't want to live in a world where the people I love decide that I do more harm than good and eliminate me from their lives. I don't want to live in a world where my strongest faith can be shattered. I don't want to live here.

and yet...

part of me desperately wants someone to come into my life and have that connection with me, and believe in it even more than I ever have, and hold me and comfort me and tell me that I make THEM believe in magic and love and spirit. Which I'm making impossible by losing that faith... but I most have some shreds of hope to even desire that, right? Right now I'm just holding on, surviving.

...Where I Stood by Missy Higgins...
Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you...

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all

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loss of faith

I've lost faith in people. Not faith in their goodness or beauty -- faith in their love of me. I find it very hard to believe that anyone could love me. And yet I still believe in myself, I still believe I'm worthy of love -- I just don't believe that anyone else (with the possible exception of Ben) would see me as worthy of love. Parts of me, but not the whole me.

I need. Collapse )